Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Saying Goodbye....while Standing

"be still"
if I could tell you all the things my heart longs to say
if I could show you the tears wailed in anger and pain
if you could feel my love that has carved a deep abyss
that love that i have carried for you even in my times of sin

then you may know that all I say is true
that the years we've had are not to be cast aside
as if imagination was all we lived through
I am still here
Existing and living it out
I am still flawed
isn't that what grace is all about 

we committed for better or for worst 
when the worst ripped through our love seemed to burst
shattered into a million pieces 
neither of us knew how to fix
doing as we always had & caused you to grow bitterness

the hardening you feel I have once felt too
but there is a difference between me and you
I can't imagine my life without your smile or eyes
even though we've fought and cried
I can't imagine your body not next to mine
though we both have damaged that holy place that binds
I can't imagine not sharing in life
where once we dreamed in innocent bliss devine

my heart was softened with a tremendous blow
I couldn't deny the depth of my love for you (though you may never know)
but your heart is hurt and angered so 
your path you've chosen 
and that is to go
you've begun a new life with someone new
and slowly trying to erase my existence with you
an innocent is about to enter this mess
all I can do is ache knowing that there is more to you then this

if we could just sit and talk and deal with the loss
look back and see the beauty along with the costs
it wasn't all bad or decay
it wasn't all tears or pain
there was lots of silly laughter 
playful twists and turns
growing up and learning 
sometimes listening without a word
moments when I would take your breath 
and you would take mine
moment when it seemed we had stopped time
hugs that seemed to encompass
where two into one would disappear
kisses that sent me back to the very first year

why can't we turn back the hands of time
go to the beginnings where our hands nervously intertwined 
remembering and seeing who we really are
embracing with grace all of the scars

wounds do heal and grow deep strength
that is how love survives the angst
it thrives through the depths of the deepest pain
because it remembers where the beginnings remain
lets go back and pick up the shattered pieces left behind
the mosaic created would stand the test of time
happiness will come and go 
but love's joy will overflow

you have to remember the beginnings to move safely ahead
or you will get lost in the forest of "what if's" and dread
noone can heal those broken areas within 
except the one who was there when it happened
nothing human is good in this world 
they will always fall short that's why we have Him and His word

I wish you would reset the hands of time
I would do it all again and that I can't deny
It wouldn't be the same but better than before
if we could just try walking through that door

regardless of what you choose 
my heart will carry deep eternal love
but for now I say good bye 
and trust the One above

((not an easy choice... but learning one breath at a time... trusting His leading and not mine))


Anonymous said...

I pray all the best for you and in that pure joy in Him. Thanks for sharing your feelings and story here. Sincerely, Mommy of two little blessings & so much more!

Sharon Rix said...

Oh girl, Praying for you in the midst of your pain. C. S. Lewis said, God whispers in our pleasures and shouts in our pain. He is being shouted out through you. You are a testimony even in the midst of the sadness. Thank you for a transparent glimpse into your heart. I love you friend. Praying that you continue to know God's peace that passes all understanding. Sharon

Anonymous said...

My sweet girl, what great truth you have put forth. Good to put it out there. Proud of you for holding onto the Lord so tight! Many blessings are yet to come, God says when we are the weak that's when we are strong, because he carries us with His strength. I know he is holding you and running with you right now and I praise Him for that. Be blessed my dear daughter and know you have my prayers and love!!!!! Big hugs and much love to You!!