Sunday, November 14, 2010

free to be all of me....

Have you ever had your heart hurt so much that you wish it would be removed from your chest
Have you ever had your stomach ache so much that it felt like you've been punched by a fist
Those moments in time where you know in the core of you " seriously, I'm finished" and you can't take another step
You know the truth and have seen the path of those before 
But you are tired and scream "I"M SO TIRED!!!!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE"
The places where the storm of tears just won't stop falling
Those moments of treacherous whispers constantly clawing at your soul and leaving shredded pieces behind
Telling you "your a fraud" or "this is your fault and this is why..."
"You really think you count that much or make a difference.... please, you were the very first mistress"
The place where you literally see (still) the shattered pieces (and in this moment) nothing more
In your humanity you are seeing the heart breaks you've caused and the tatters you tore out of other people's souls
You wale in the darkness of night 
Screaming your angst and plight
"I'm retched and a mess .... there is no good at this core"
"Please just take me home I don't want to do this anymore"
Feeling conflicted by your deep rooted smiles shining just days before
" Am I truly being real" you ask your broken soul
" Am I causing more harm than I did before"
The moment in which you have finally let the quiet around you allow you to FEEL the hidden recesses of your heart
Shame and guilt rise up in a furry
Filtering all of your current things through the filter of yesterdays
The raging winds of the storm surrounding you feel like they are closing in
a gentle word touch your pounding ears

"fear not ... for I am with you"
"it's okay ... let me have it i can take it"
"ask your questions... you'll find"
"bang your fists... I'll open that door of mine"
"You will not be swallowed up or touched by the flames"
"'s true YOU can't do it but I CAN
for what is impossible of man is POSSIBLE for ME"
"it's good you see the broken... I can now show you the mosaic that is to be"
"it's in these moments you will really experience and see my grace for thee"
"you are not your own... I have called you by name"
"what do you know of me?
Do you know I experience every ounce of your suffering
I catch every tear that falls from you tender cheek
I know the hurt waging from core of your feet to your head you see
I know you and every hair on your head
I have you.... go ahead let it out
I'm coming in.."
"WHO I AM I ALWAYS WILL BEYou, however, I change within & through the tragedies" 
"your sins have been forgiven and no more do I see
you are healed my darling woman... let your faith speak and set you free"
"I am yours, you are mine"
"let that little light shine"
"Do you know how bright light shines in encompassing darkness 
I will keep that oil filled as you display your brokenness"
"I have not left you 
You are in future's history"
"Your name is cut deep within my hands"
"I am the ONE who will help you stand"
"so rise up dear one ... take your bed and walk"
"You and I have a journey to the Lost"
So here I am for all to see
Broken and torn in my tragedies
But I am NOT defeated 
Nor am I perfect in the least
I just know the ONE who strengthens me.
So if you should see me 
And my smile is set blaze
Know that it is HIm 
Who lives inside of me.
I am not here to be a martyr
Or a perfect example of what should be
I'm just walking out my future's History.

** addendum: It is in one of the most vulnerable places that I share these words this morning... my face laying upon His feet that have been flooded by my tears... I know in the depths of my soul He is with me and He is sovereign... and there are those times that I have allowed the lies of the enemy infiltrate and tell me that if I show my tears then the message I am sending is "I don't believe... I have no hope...I am giving up." The truth is ... I am pressing in deeper: I into Him and Him into me. 5he Lord just made it clear I need to Trust HIM when he says "Let down your guard so they can see... what's inside of you is me." So than each of you who read this and allow me to share my very vulnerable adventure... one step at a time. Love to you all!


Anonymous said...

When I am down You pick me up,
when I am dry You fill my cup,
You are my All in All.

Seeking you as a precious jewl,
Lord to give up I'd be a fool,
You are my All in All.

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name.
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name.

Taking sin my cross my shame,
Riseing again I bless you name,
You are my All in All.

hmm hmm hm hm hm hm hm
hmm hmm hm hm hm hm hm hm
You are my All in All.

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name.
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is your name.
*end song*

I love you and pray you are growing in Him as you go through this season of your life. There is no way I could understand what you are going through. I have no idea and no sorrow for you. My heart aches with you and my prayers go up from my heart for you. I thank God that I can't understand the pain that you are feeling for the reasons you are feeling it. Though, my heart aches with yours in that you were my first best friend in the world and we have a bond that nothing can break. You have been and always will be my sister and with that comes great privilages as well as great expectations. It's not something you control, it's something that happened when I was born you little sister. You were the one I looked up to and took my cues from in transitional times in my life. Sometimes I saw the choice you made and deliberately chose a different one and other times I fallowed your exact steps. That too is part of my role as your little/younger sister. *smile* It just happens. Just like you have hopes and dreams for me as you little sister I have them for you. Thank the Lord, for knowing my hearts desire not only for my beloved husband (my second and dear best friend), our beloved son, and delightful daughter, and myself, but also for you. He is an amazing God and I thank Him for His watchful care of His people. I also thank Him for adopting me into His family. *big smile* Know that you are loved my someone miles and miles away no matter how often we talk. *smile* Sincerely & Lovingly, Mommy of two little blessings & SO much more!

jeanette :o) said...

My dearest sister and best friend...
your heartfelt words of love, encouragement and honesty touched my soul to such a depth that I know that I can express in mere words. I have and always carry you deeply and tenderly in my heart. To have you by my side through not only this but from childhood has been both a blessing and a privilege! Our differences in personality is what makes us great balancing agents and I don't hold that as a curse but a DEAR blessing! At our greatest times we draw out our commonalities and one is the way we Love DEEPLY!!! I do so love and treasure you and thank the Lord everyday for such a gift. His blessing back to me... the rebuilding of what was once in a state of partial ruin>> my friendship with my baby sister. In all of this adventure called life I have learned so much and continue to learn. Whatever the choices they were mine to make and God knew before he knitted me together in Mommy's womb. He has created each of us with purpose and uses EVERY choice for his glory when we give ourselves over to HIm (I would even go as far as to say He does it without our surrender too). This season is definitely challenging, painful, and tragically beautiful... He is stripping away all that doesn't belong and rebuilding the ruins once strangled out by the vines of destruction. I am counting it all joy because I know that it is drawing me deeper in relationship with the Lord as well as making me the woman He intended me to be... a better version of me. :o) I love you and am so thankful that you are my sister, my FRIEND!!! What a gift!! I treasure you and your beautiful family! Much love, prayers and encouragement to you as well. I pray that you continue to have opportunity to learn from my choices ... the good along with the bad... because I am flawed no matter how desperately I strive to be perfect... that is the very reason I desperately need the Lord!! I can't breath without Him. :o) My love forever and always through eternity my Manda Panda! Lovingly~ Your Big Sis Nette