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The Caverns Within...

sitting on the edge of the deepest most vast crevice found in this intense awe inspiring jungle... the most brilliant sight is before me... my heart can barely stay contained within. It feels as if it could break every bone keeping it captive and tear right through my flesh, it is sooo full! :) touched by light and living water... this cavern has grown the most beautiful moss, ferns, foliage, flowers and flow of multiple waterfalls that collect a lagoon of LIVING water!!!! my breath is kidnapped!

"Even the deepest of caverns ... once touched by light and living water... grow the most beautiful moss, ferns, foliage, flowers and flow of multiple waterfalls that collect a lagoon of LIVING water!!!! Supple, Viberant and Brilliant are the wounds that are healed by such an amazing God!!! Prayers aren't always answered for our Human perspective but God's panoramic perspective... which is SOOOOO MUCH BETTER!!! He is soooooo DELICIOUS!!!! (even when you are suffering from spiritual anorexia or bulimia..... been there done that.. I know that I know that I know to the marrow of my soul.)"

-- jeanette mayhew 11.09.2011

Moments of Brilliance and Unexpected Excellence

Have you ever had this insatiable need to write and then overwhelmed with the "where do I begin" or "which direction should I go" questions added to the million and one words that are just bursting to be put upon a page??? well that is exactly how I feel right now!! I just couldn't get home fast enough... buy my groceries and get situated at home soon enough... and then of course settled into position for "writing stance" easy enough just to begin getting the thoughts on a page. 

Tonight was filled with sensational brilliance of immense emotion, intense empathy/sympathy, overwhelming desire to sing until my vocal chords wept, and just jump into the biggest puddle and spin like a little girl exuberance .... not to mention drop down face first in humility and pain. WHAT A NIGHT!! I don't even know how to describe it or explain it.... but maybe I'm not supposed to explain.... maybe I'm supposed to just revel in the exceptional fluid moments that cumulate to make a night. No... no... I am not supposed to stop there... I need to share. 

Have you ever felt the pain of another person so deep it is as if it your own? Have you ever seen the halo of someone so brightly that is illuminates like the noon day sun at midnight even though they are outwardly completely broken? Have you ever felt love so big that it is as if your heart will break every bone containing it and just rip right through your skin? That is exactly .... EXACTLY what tonight was for me. I am not exaggerating... or fishing a tale (or telling a fish tale..lol). That is to the detail what my night was like. Now add to that the way your brain feels when you just sat at the foot of the most amazing teacher you have ever known... filled with so much that it hurts but beckons, actually BEGS for more. Yep, now you know what my night was like. Even now.. even now I am just bathing in the awesomeness of it all and even reminded the way my day was as well. I'm telling you... not one ounce of today was lost or with out exact perfect purpose. WOWZA!!!! NO MORE STATUS QUO is absolutely RIGHT!! :)

Oh... that's right I didn't tell you what I was doing. :) I've given you the When and How but not the Where, What, or Who-s. I told you this may be an adventure in it and of itself. :) Today ... Lunch with a dear friend... then Work with new and dear friends... then Bible study with amazing women of raw authentic wonderfulness. The one that stole the show? The awe inspiring Lover of our Souls!!! It was radtastically delicious!!! The conversations today and tonight were so .... REAL!!!! Raw rugged broken exuberant joyful beautifully tragic and inspiring. I can't seem to find enough descriptive words. 

To seriously lay down my life today for complete surrender to whatever He had planned and His purpose produced such a night that I just can't figure how I'm going to rest. :) I know that this may be just going out into the suspending void we call the Internet with only me and God reading this... but even that would be a perfect time placed purpose. :) However, if you do read this perchance, I pray that you are encourage and you "catch the joy" that is just oozing like sweet honey out of my soul on to this page. :) Be encouraged my friends.... a new day is just around the corner. He has already walked it for you ... just be BRAVE. :) ((of course I am open to questions too. :) I know that I left out stuff too. :) so many words and all moving so fast :) ))

The Most interesting thing......

the most interesting thing happened this early hour of the morning (actually late night for me :) ). I was looking through some pictures here in our little social network world and came upon a pic of what should have shattered me to pieces. Instead... I sat... I stared... taking in all the details... pondering... and then suddenly... I found myself, well, I found myself giggling. I was just overcome by "wow... they match and are suited... this is a beautiful picture" .. and then just praying for them. My heart actually was bubbling. Now seriously... who can make sense of that? I can.... the amazing power of the Love of the Lord!!! I mean it when i say I really love each of them with my whole heart and that proved it right there for me. First time ya know. It was my first time seeing all the pieces together at once. Wow... the word is what the word is = TRUE ... Love Covers all! :) I'm soooooo amazingly blessed and in awe of how God works. Goin' Lord just do yo' thang!!! :) 

 Please... all of you who have been on this arduous tragically beautiful adventure with me... Please pray for all of the elements. Lift them and blanket them in your love as well as prayer. God has GREATER plans that we can't imagine and He is SOOOOOO much bigger... let's continue to rise with Him. :) Thank you all so much for your prayer, support, love, and encouragement. God is soooooooooo GOOD!!!!! I am extremely blessed and LOVE MY LIFE and all the People in it!!! :) (all the people in it :) )

Intentional Purpose

Fall has begun. The warmth of the sun still kissing my brow as the sky tucks it in behind the full foliage mountainside. The smell of chili blankets the house in sweet spicy comfort. Peace stills my soul yet a since of urgency fills my heart. White Hot deep Passion within stirs my soul.

Tears rolling and falling as a waterfall trickling down a mountainside into a lagoon. My overwhelmed with the brokenness through out the land. The numbers rolling through my mind…. 200,000 plus children soldiers in Africa, little girls given away/ sold into prostitution, human trafficking across the world… and for what? Power? Sick desires? Greed? if it breaks my heart I can only imagine the pain it causes the One who created us in his own image.

Free Will…. a very interesting thing. The freedom to choose … and this is what we as a society choose? We can’t possibly be so desensitized that we don’t feel the cries and pulse of broken souls. I know that I cannot repair the brokenness but I do feel that I can fall to my knees at the cross of hope and promise. “In this world you WILL have trouble, but take heart for I have over come the world.”- Jesus Christ (John 16:33) This is not “boo hoo, my privileged life is so hard. Well I’ll just perk up because it’s all good in the end” … NO… this is “In this world you WILL HAVE (not might or maybe) KNOCK DOWN DRAG OUT MMA FIGHT kind of trouble. But I have someone who has SUFFERED EXTREME TORTURE, HEARS AND FEELS ALL THE CRIES AND PAIN, and humiliation then hung on a cross and cried out IT IS FINISHED...at the end of this life ALL THE SUFFERING WILL BE GONE and HE HEARS and SEES it ALL right now and is providing… SO COME TO HIM.”

We need to be active where we can with Intentional Purpose and RISK … Pray with authenticity and CONVICTION. BRING LIGHT TO THE DARKNESS and don’t let the moments pass! Though I may no longer be an idealizing child or passionate teen … I still believe that ONE person can make a difference. STOP letting the whispers of false contentment fleece the truth... this world is broken and hurting… and so is the person next to you, even the person that hurts you.

SO now what? I guess that is the question we should start asking… where do I risk? Am I compassionate? Am I listening?? Am I loving??

Saying Goodbye....while Standing

"be still"

if I could tell you all the things my heart longs to say

if I could show you the tears wailed in anger and pain

if you could feel my love that has carved a deep abyss

that love that i have carried for you even in my times of sin

then you may know that all I say is true

that the years we've had are not to be cast aside

as if imagination was all we lived through

I am still here

Existing and living it out

I am still flawed

isn't that what grace is all about 

we committed for better or for worst 

when the worst ripped through our love seemed to burst

shattered into a million pieces 

neither of us knew how to fix

doing as we always had & caused you to grow bitterness

the hardening you feel I have once felt too

but there is a difference between me and you

I can't imagine my life without your smile or eyes

even though we've fought and cried

I can't imagine your body not next to mine

though we both have damaged that holy place that binds

I can't imagine not sharing in life

where once we dreamed in innocent bliss devine

my heart was softened with a tremendous blow

I couldn't deny the depth of my love for you (though you may never know)

but your heart is hurt and angered so 

your path you've chosen 

and that is to go

you've begun a new life with someone new

and slowly trying to erase my existence with you

an innocent is about to enter this mess

all I can do is ache knowing that there is more to you then this

if we could just sit and talk and deal with the loss

look back and see the beauty along with the costs

it wasn't all bad or decay

it wasn't all tears or pain

there was lots of silly laughter 

playful twists and turns

growing up and learning 

sometimes listening without a word

moments when I would take your breath 

and you would take mine

moment when it seemed we had stopped time

hugs that seemed to encompass

where two into one would disappear

kisses that sent me back to the very first year

why can't we turn back the hands of time

go to the beginnings where our hands nervously intertwined 

remembering and seeing who we really are

embracing with grace all of the scars

wounds do heal and grow deep strength

that is how love survives the angst

it thrives through the depths of the deepest pain

because it remembers where the beginnings remain

lets go back and pick up the shattered pieces left behind

the mosaic created would stand the test of time

happiness will come and go 

but love's joy will overflow

you have to remember the beginnings to move safely ahead

or you will get lost in the forest of "what if's" and dread

noone can heal those broken areas within 

except the one who was there when it happened

nothing human is good in this world 

they will always fall short that's why we have Him and His word

I wish you would reset the hands of time

I would do it all again and that I can't deny

It wouldn't be the same but better than before

if we could just try walking through that door

regardless of what you choose 

my heart will carry deep eternal love

but for now I say good bye 

and trust the One above

((not an easy choice... but learning one breath at a time... trusting His leading and not mine))

free to be all of me....

Have you ever had your heart hurt so much that you wish it would be removed from your chest

Have you ever had your stomach ache so much that it felt like you've been punched by a fist

Those moments in time where you know in the core of you " seriously, I'm finished" and you can't take another step

You know the truth and have seen the path of those before 

But you are tired and scream "I"M SO TIRED!!!!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE"

The places where the storm of tears just won't stop falling

Those moments of treacherous whispers constantly clawing at your soul and leaving shredded pieces behind

Telling you "your a fraud" or "this is your fault and this is why..."

"You really think you count that much or make a difference.... please, you were the very first mistress"

The place where you literally see (still) the shattered pieces (and in this moment) nothing more

In your humanity you are seeing the heart breaks you've caused and the tatters you tore out of other people's souls

You wale in the darkness of night 

Screaming your angst and plight

"I'm retched and a mess .... there is no good at this core"

"Please just take me home I don't want to do this anymore"

Feeling conflicted by your deep rooted smiles shining just days before

" Am I truly being real" you ask your broken soul

" Am I causing more harm than I did before"

The moment in which you have finally let the quiet around you allow you to FEEL the hidden recesses of your heart

Shame and guilt rise up in a furry

Filtering all of your current things through the filter of yesterdays

The raging winds of the storm surrounding you feel like they are closing in

.

..

...

.....

a gentle word touch your pounding ears

"fear not ... for I am with you"

"it's okay ... let me have it i can take it"

"ask your questions... you'll find"

"bang your fists... I'll open that door of mine"

"You will not be swallowed up or touched by the flames"

"yes..it's true YOU can't do it but I CAN

for what is impossible of man is POSSIBLE for ME"

"it's good you see the broken... I can now show you the mosaic that is to be"

"it's in these moments you will really experience and see my grace for thee"

"you are not your own... I have called you by name"

"what do you know of me?

Do you know I experience every ounce of your suffering

I catch every tear that falls from you tender cheek

I know the hurt waging from core of your feet to your head you see

I know you and every hair on your head

I have you.... go ahead let it out

I'm coming in.."

"WHO I AM I ALWAYS WILL BEYou, however, I change within & through the tragedies" 

"your sins have been forgiven and no more do I see

you are healed my darling woman... let your faith speak and set you free"

"I am yours, you are mine"

"let that little light shine"

"Do you know how bright light shines in encompassing darkness 

I will keep that oil filled as you display your brokenness"

"I have not left you 

I will NEVER LEAVE

You are in future's history"

"Your name is cut deep within my hands"

"I am the ONE who will help you stand"

"so rise up dear one ... take your bed and walk"

"You and I have a journey to the Lost"

....

...

..

.

So here I am for all to see

Broken and torn in my tragedies

But I am NOT defeated 

Nor am I perfect in the least

I just know the ONE who strengthens me.

So if you should see me 

And my smile is set blaze

Know that it is HIm 

Who lives inside of me.

I am not here to be a martyr

Or a perfect example of what should be

I'm just walking out my future's History.

HE LOVES YOU AS MUCH AS ME!!!!!

** addendum: It is in one of the most vulnerable places that I share these words this morning... my face laying upon His feet that have been flooded by my tears... I know in the depths of my soul He is with me and He is sovereign... and there are those times that I have allowed the lies of the enemy infiltrate and tell me that if I show my tears then the message I am sending is "I don't believe... I have no hope...I am giving up." The truth is ... I am pressing in deeper: I into Him and Him into me. 5he Lord just made it clear I need to Trust HIM when he says "Let down your guard so they can see... what's inside of you is me." So than each of you who read this and allow me to share my very vulnerable adventure... one step at a time. Love to you all!

Upon Hearing Heartbreaking news in regards to the Love of my Life...

In this life my dreams may crumble and my heart may be in pieces... but it is He who is the Restorer of ruins and Creator of the sunsets that takes the shattered pieces. He picks them one by one and places them in the most amazing Mosaic art piece that has ever been envisioned. So much better than what I would design myself. :o) No matter WHAT crumbles into splinters of glass.... He displays the beauty. :o) 

So I walk... alone in intimate companionship with the Lover of my soul and TRUST!! He knows better than I and He is still the God of Abraham!! :o)

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 31

Enjoying "floating". Laying back, eyes closed, simply breathing, propelled. Repose. Sound muffled except for rhythmic heartbeat & breathing. Once covered in muck*now fresh and clean. Just breath. Wanting to control the flow & movement, A.G. opines "simply rest & breath". Faithfully riding the current until He takes my hand and leads me out for further excursion. "I'm right where I am to be. Resting in Thee" :o)

 Pic by serendipityfoto ... thank you so much!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 30

Covered in mud and without fever... I'm breaking forth in fervent vigor. A.G. handing me a tube with old script uncovered today. Words of old: "from D of PSL 37...do not fret*delight yourself in the One*the Creator of your desire will follow through*wait patiently*steps are established*evil will fail and good will endure*He will not fail or leave you*swift feet from evil*He is strength, salvation, deliverer"

 pic by Irisb477 ... thank you so much!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 29

Blessed for the opportunity to rest in the hot spas of the sweet oasis in the newest part of the Jungle. This adventure has encapsulated growth, stretching, resting, and work. Every point necessary and important for the emerging purposes. Stripping away all that hides and weighs upon this fervent adventurer. :o) My A.G. provided the way and for my needs. :o)

 

pic by Lumatic ... thank you so much!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 28

Reminded by little person that it is important to find the simplicity in the journey. Robust laughter. Splashing in the puddles of life. PLAY. REST. Leading me by gentle hand back to the foot of my A.G. The One who has restored me from my feeble & broken soul. Music sings through the mist of the jungle. I lay ...in rest as fever brings me to Selah. Joy found in the depths. Unheard of but true. In His hands. :o)

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 27

came upon a little person the path of adventure. His name> Adrik. A.G. encouraged me to take some time from my persistent focus and learn from this little one. Fresh and new brings memories and a clear perspective. Encouraged by A.G.'s creative way of leading and teaching, I have laid down the machete and pack to take ...the hand of this little angel. I'll share more as the journey continues. Off I go

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 26

overcome by physical weariness but lifted by the "visions" that fill the camp. Lifted in spirit by song, dance, and reminders of the fantastic AWESOMENESS of her Adventure Guide. :o) As the adventure continues the journey emerges growth and strips one of the unnecessary. Finding true enthusiasm, hope, and absolute CRAZY... LOVE  for the One who make me well ... within my soul. :o) one step at a time but for now... rest.

Pic by rvallentyne ... thank you so much!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 25

Blessed by the light that shines through the thick jungle leaves. I'm blessed to know He never leaves me. It's the journey of the heart not afraid that catapults me to another new day. :o) It's odd and a bit refreshing to walk in the dark boldly with absolute faith. Brand new day and physically worn thin but my soul is  just getting started... watch out little stealth ninja's ... you don't know who your messing with!

 

Pic by Silanov ... thank you so much!