The Most interesting thing......

the most interesting thing happened this early hour of the morning (actually late night for me :) ). I was looking through some pictures here in our little social network world and came upon a pic of what should have shattered me to pieces. Instead... I sat... I stared... taking in all the details... pondering... and then suddenly... I found myself, well, I found myself giggling. I was just overcome by "wow... they match and are suited... this is a beautiful picture" .. and then just praying for them. My heart actually was bubbling. Now seriously... who can make sense of that? I can.... the amazing power of the Love of the Lord!!! I mean it when i say I really love each of them with my whole heart and that proved it right there for me. First time ya know. It was my first time seeing all the pieces together at once. Wow... the word is what the word is = TRUE ... Love Covers all! :) I'm soooooo amazingly blessed and in awe of how God works. Goin' Lord just do yo' thang!!! :) 

 Please... all of you who have been on this arduous tragically beautiful adventure with me... Please pray for all of the elements. Lift them and blanket them in your love as well as prayer. God has GREATER plans that we can't imagine and He is SOOOOOO much bigger... let's continue to rise with Him. :) Thank you all so much for your prayer, support, love, and encouragement. God is soooooooooo GOOD!!!!! I am extremely blessed and LOVE MY LIFE and all the People in it!!! :) (all the people in it :) )

Saying Goodbye....while Standing

"be still"

if I could tell you all the things my heart longs to say

if I could show you the tears wailed in anger and pain

if you could feel my love that has carved a deep abyss

that love that i have carried for you even in my times of sin

then you may know that all I say is true

that the years we've had are not to be cast aside

as if imagination was all we lived through

I am still here

Existing and living it out

I am still flawed

isn't that what grace is all about 

we committed for better or for worst 

when the worst ripped through our love seemed to burst

shattered into a million pieces 

neither of us knew how to fix

doing as we always had & caused you to grow bitterness

the hardening you feel I have once felt too

but there is a difference between me and you

I can't imagine my life without your smile or eyes

even though we've fought and cried

I can't imagine your body not next to mine

though we both have damaged that holy place that binds

I can't imagine not sharing in life

where once we dreamed in innocent bliss devine

my heart was softened with a tremendous blow

I couldn't deny the depth of my love for you (though you may never know)

but your heart is hurt and angered so 

your path you've chosen 

and that is to go

you've begun a new life with someone new

and slowly trying to erase my existence with you

an innocent is about to enter this mess

all I can do is ache knowing that there is more to you then this

if we could just sit and talk and deal with the loss

look back and see the beauty along with the costs

it wasn't all bad or decay

it wasn't all tears or pain

there was lots of silly laughter 

playful twists and turns

growing up and learning 

sometimes listening without a word

moments when I would take your breath 

and you would take mine

moment when it seemed we had stopped time

hugs that seemed to encompass

where two into one would disappear

kisses that sent me back to the very first year

why can't we turn back the hands of time

go to the beginnings where our hands nervously intertwined 

remembering and seeing who we really are

embracing with grace all of the scars

wounds do heal and grow deep strength

that is how love survives the angst

it thrives through the depths of the deepest pain

because it remembers where the beginnings remain

lets go back and pick up the shattered pieces left behind

the mosaic created would stand the test of time

happiness will come and go 

but love's joy will overflow

you have to remember the beginnings to move safely ahead

or you will get lost in the forest of "what if's" and dread

noone can heal those broken areas within 

except the one who was there when it happened

nothing human is good in this world 

they will always fall short that's why we have Him and His word

I wish you would reset the hands of time

I would do it all again and that I can't deny

It wouldn't be the same but better than before

if we could just try walking through that door

regardless of what you choose 

my heart will carry deep eternal love

but for now I say good bye 

and trust the One above

((not an easy choice... but learning one breath at a time... trusting His leading and not mine))

free to be all of me....

Have you ever had your heart hurt so much that you wish it would be removed from your chest

Have you ever had your stomach ache so much that it felt like you've been punched by a fist

Those moments in time where you know in the core of you " seriously, I'm finished" and you can't take another step

You know the truth and have seen the path of those before 

But you are tired and scream "I"M SO TIRED!!!!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE"

The places where the storm of tears just won't stop falling

Those moments of treacherous whispers constantly clawing at your soul and leaving shredded pieces behind

Telling you "your a fraud" or "this is your fault and this is why..."

"You really think you count that much or make a difference.... please, you were the very first mistress"

The place where you literally see (still) the shattered pieces (and in this moment) nothing more

In your humanity you are seeing the heart breaks you've caused and the tatters you tore out of other people's souls

You wale in the darkness of night 

Screaming your angst and plight

"I'm retched and a mess .... there is no good at this core"

"Please just take me home I don't want to do this anymore"

Feeling conflicted by your deep rooted smiles shining just days before

" Am I truly being real" you ask your broken soul

" Am I causing more harm than I did before"

The moment in which you have finally let the quiet around you allow you to FEEL the hidden recesses of your heart

Shame and guilt rise up in a furry

Filtering all of your current things through the filter of yesterdays

The raging winds of the storm surrounding you feel like they are closing in

.

..

...

.....

a gentle word touch your pounding ears

"fear not ... for I am with you"

"it's okay ... let me have it i can take it"

"ask your questions... you'll find"

"bang your fists... I'll open that door of mine"

"You will not be swallowed up or touched by the flames"

"yes..it's true YOU can't do it but I CAN

for what is impossible of man is POSSIBLE for ME"

"it's good you see the broken... I can now show you the mosaic that is to be"

"it's in these moments you will really experience and see my grace for thee"

"you are not your own... I have called you by name"

"what do you know of me?

Do you know I experience every ounce of your suffering

I catch every tear that falls from you tender cheek

I know the hurt waging from core of your feet to your head you see

I know you and every hair on your head

I have you.... go ahead let it out

I'm coming in.."

"WHO I AM I ALWAYS WILL BEYou, however, I change within & through the tragedies" 

"your sins have been forgiven and no more do I see

you are healed my darling woman... let your faith speak and set you free"

"I am yours, you are mine"

"let that little light shine"

"Do you know how bright light shines in encompassing darkness 

I will keep that oil filled as you display your brokenness"

"I have not left you 

I will NEVER LEAVE

You are in future's history"

"Your name is cut deep within my hands"

"I am the ONE who will help you stand"

"so rise up dear one ... take your bed and walk"

"You and I have a journey to the Lost"

....

...

..

.

So here I am for all to see

Broken and torn in my tragedies

But I am NOT defeated 

Nor am I perfect in the least

I just know the ONE who strengthens me.

So if you should see me 

And my smile is set blaze

Know that it is HIm 

Who lives inside of me.

I am not here to be a martyr

Or a perfect example of what should be

I'm just walking out my future's History.

HE LOVES YOU AS MUCH AS ME!!!!!

** addendum: It is in one of the most vulnerable places that I share these words this morning... my face laying upon His feet that have been flooded by my tears... I know in the depths of my soul He is with me and He is sovereign... and there are those times that I have allowed the lies of the enemy infiltrate and tell me that if I show my tears then the message I am sending is "I don't believe... I have no hope...I am giving up." The truth is ... I am pressing in deeper: I into Him and Him into me. 5he Lord just made it clear I need to Trust HIM when he says "Let down your guard so they can see... what's inside of you is me." So than each of you who read this and allow me to share my very vulnerable adventure... one step at a time. Love to you all!

Upon Hearing Heartbreaking news in regards to the Love of my Life...

In this life my dreams may crumble and my heart may be in pieces... but it is He who is the Restorer of ruins and Creator of the sunsets that takes the shattered pieces. He picks them one by one and places them in the most amazing Mosaic art piece that has ever been envisioned. So much better than what I would design myself. :o) No matter WHAT crumbles into splinters of glass.... He displays the beauty. :o) 

So I walk... alone in intimate companionship with the Lover of my soul and TRUST!! He knows better than I and He is still the God of Abraham!! :o)

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 24

Found it's in the midst of the tangling vines that you can be set free. He has given me the machete and then said "Come to ME!" Hacking a way and breaking the binds that strangle out the light. Determined to fight for all that feel left behind. The beauty is in the humbleness of saying "I can't do this alone" and fall down exhausted at His feet baring my soul.

 Pic by Lollyknit ... thank you!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 23

On a journey that many would grow faint. Hand-n-hand in His Grace. Without it there would be no peace or sweet release of all that one carries on such a retreat. I haven't lost sight or changed my mind. I stand firm in what will take time. Not wavering; allowing Him to rebuild and restore what has been "lost".On go I in this grand adventure of mine. Joy (in the storm) in this moment and time.

 

Pic by shchukin ... thank you!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 22

"I fearlessly believe and am made well"... luke 8:50 Taking steps in faith are Never meant to be easy otherwise they would be steps of "I know it all"....LOL! In my Adventure Guide's  amazing love and care as we continue to trek through the depths of the jungle. My soul is encouraged as my hope is in Him! His Grace is sufficient in the rebuilding o'my soul and ruins of life. (Gal. 6:9; 2Cor.4:16-18) My joy is overflowing in the One who stands before me. (Ps. 27:13-14) :o) May this joy fill you up as well. 

 

Pic by jcoterhals ... thank you so much.

Preface for My Journey on the Adventure of My Life

The journey we walk in life, constantly fighting to find the light in the midst of darkness, does one of two things: strengthen us in our complete weakness or break us in lack of faith. Both come at the brink of death. I have learned that with "death" there is opportunity for resurrection when we let go and let God do his perfect will. It will be accomplished inspite of us and our "freewill" ... our "freewill" just lays the path for how we get there.

The "death" of a relationship isn't because of the lack of happiness, it is the lack of endurance and the "need" for the other person to provide such happiness. If we rely on others or self to provide happiness, completeness, fulfillment, encouragement we will forever ride the manic bipolar roller-coaster that has no conductor at the helm. The adventure is THROUGH the valleys which allows us to appreciate the beautiful mountainside.

I have found, on my adventure, that my hope and mere optimism is NOT my own; for I am not my own. I have been removing the leach of self-reliance from it's grip and found that it has kept me from true authenticity and completeness. Amazing how something that shows itself as "beneficial" really has caused me to miss some major points of understanding and illuminated the amount of distrust I truly have. There is a stripping of all that I thought I knew and was. The layers confined and disguised me from what I am truly meant to be.

The journey of such and adventure is painful for any traveler. The endurance it takes and pride that is literally knocked out of you takes it's toll. The only way to not only Survive but THRIVE is to follow an adventure guide. Someone who has been there before you and is perfect in the skills and translations. Notice that I said PERFECT. There is NO ONE perfect human... except the Son of Man who is the living WORD. Who was and is and is to come. See... my hope is not my own. It is found in the One who IS Hope.

The adventure is never to be easy or without pain. So to ask "why do bad things happen to good people?" is to really ask "why do good people have the same hurts and trials as the rest of us?" (John 16:33) There absolutely are no favorites on the journey. Each one has their path to walk. The authentic character of a person rises to the surface during the raging floods. You truly see who you are at the core of yourself when you endure and go through the tragic canyons of life. You find there is much to the "good person" that is either strengthened & amplified or needs to be purged out & stripped away. (Rom.8:28)

See there is nothing new or unknown by the Adventure Guide. SO no matter what chaos, storm, tar blackness, R.O.U.Ses, quicksand traps, strangling vines.... I could keep going... all of it is under His watchful eyes and with in His control ... in the Palm of His hand. Be encouraged traveler.... You are not alone..... even when you head the wrong direction.

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 17

Thankful that I don't walk alone though it feels that way. Living out the heartaches and pains takes my breath away. The weariness overwhelms my soul at times. Fighting for my first love stretches my patience, soul, and heart. I've stood at the edge of it all and almost fell over it but when i stepped I found there was a strong hand beneath my feet. For now I fall into it and release it all. I will not be moved!

pic by me. :o)

In the Storm

As I sit here listening to the rain fall, my pulse races and muscles tense in the memories of yesterday. The moments of laughter, touch, longing passion untouched by any other. The smell of his skin. The sound of his heart beating. The touch... the touch that makes my soul melt into oblivion. Still ... even now as the thunder trembles my being... I ache and wait.

Wait for the sorrow to end. Wait for the joy to rise once again. Wait... patiently... for the guide of the Soothing Father's hand. Nothing has happened with out purpose or cause it is just that I am still lost in the emotions of it all. Is it wrong?

No, most certainly not. If my emotions were not involved, for me at least, it would betray the truth of my heart and harden what must be pliable. So, what do I do? What do I say? Do I cry and yell in the midst of the pain? Do I stand tall, shoulders back and take on another day? Who ever said it had to be one or the other? I'll do both. I'll cry and yell as my heart needs to decompress; then I'll laugh and dance as I am once again filled with the joy of the Creator's hand.

It's never easy to go against the "natural" flow of societies current but I am not about to drown in the rapids of collective faithlessness. My body will strengthen in each forceful stroke. My heart grows stronger in endurance as I continue in faith and belief in the only One who knows where it all began and where it is to go. So keep falling rain and thunder storms roar ... I am still going forward regardless of the storm. I will not be lost.

Believe...

Awaiting in space and time
With everything around without rhyme

Just standing in the blackness and smoke
Remembering Faith is not seeing but stands in Hope

Hope and promises of things unseen
Believing in Him and walking free

Free of fears and what is known
Free of bondage which once did tightly hold

"They say many things.."
However "they" go on what they see
Yet I choose to stand firm on thee

All is not lost just because it looks dead
For in the winter the life is restoring in grounds bed

We know that spring will come
Though we don't see it..life soon will be sprung
From the hard, cold, broken ground
After time and His hand has strengthened roots all around

Even in the quiet pain
Here I am standing in faith

Stand in the rain
Of hardship and change

Going beyond what you see
For in the winter roots are set free
To grow stronger and deeper
By the hand of the Creator

And when Life springs forth
You'll know that your Faith helped you stand the coarse.

He does not lie
He is Faithful in deed
He is the Master of all
He is HE

So here I stand
Beyond what I see
Standing in Faith
Believing in HE.

Restoring Me (March 15, 2009)

Restored, renewed, reminded what's true!

What no man can see or fathom, God can absolutely do!
Know Who has complete control
Stands in fullness with strength untold.

Time is not a bondage
Faith is belief in action
Not to what is seen or heard
But upon the One who gave it for the undeserved.

The darkness come and waves mount high
My eyes are lifted to the Creator of the tide.
We dance upon the beach without fear
As he draws and holds me near.

I am His desire
And forever He is mine.
He knows the inner workings of me
Before I was even in the womb to be seen.

He created every detail, personality, gifts, limits ... all
He knew and knows when I will walk tall or fall
Yet still He longingly waits to pour out His grace
And draw me into His saving embrace.

So I'll not cry because what I have lost
Though some tears may come, it shows my heart is still soft.
And soft is exactly what one's heart should me
To be molded more like Him and less of me.

Continue restoring me, oh Lord,
One layer at a time.
I love you everyday even more.

I am NOT alone

Heartbreaking 

Soul aching

Loud shattering crack

every essence 

of all with in

has felt as if it was never coming back

none of it is meant to be

handled on my own

life is not such a simple task 

where you walk the path alone.

it's in the hands of the the One who knows

through his humiliation, thrashings, and scars

all the pain, sorrows, and unknowns

for he knows our every part

from beginning to end

he knows no bounds

to stop him or contain

so i release it all 

my love, tears, and pain 

for him to restore, redeem, and renew again

my everlasting saving grace.

though the storm keeps crashing down 

as i lose all that I have held so dear

he will take good care that I do not drown

for he can see things more clear

no doubts consume the broken halls

no trial do i run from him again

i've done that once and had my fall

never do i desire that same abyss 

so hope and longing 

are hung like stars

with unconditional love the sky

for he created all of it

and hears my every cry

so i cry....broken at his feet

huddled in his arms of grace and mercy

i am not alone.

"I've got... got the victory. I've got the sweet sweet victory of Jesus..."

The storm clouds engulf the ever steadfast presence of my soul.
There is calm in the midst
Peace be stills the over whelming angst that is destined to over take me
"Oh ye of little faith"
So I stand ... In the rain.... regardless of the pain.
Because of the pain there will be beauty.

The promises are from the One on which I stand.
My foundation firm and solid.
To Know him is to Believe him
To Believe him is to Understand that he is He.
The know is Intimate and not to be underestimated.
Passionate and Satisfying is He.
He will bring beauty from pain...
"And we know that in all things God works for the the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."--Romans 8:28

So into this storm I shall STAND
STAND in the Pain
For I have the Victory

And his name is Christ Jesus! :o)

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall,

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint. --Isaiah 40:28b-31

The Sweet Embrace that heals the pain....

Have you ever heard a heart break into a million pieces? I did. It was mine. There was a burst of a wale then a snow shower of glazed clay pieces. My hand reached for the phone... dial the first number. No answer. Dial the second number... again no answer. Concede to the One, sitting by my side, that should the next call have no answer I would sit and "fit" it out with him. Dial... ringing.... ringing... a voice of sound comfort answers with joy to hear my voice on the other side. "I'm glad you answered I need to talk. But let me give you a preface of what has been going on..."

Then the updates take place with rabbit trails to the current situation at hand. Sound mind is taking over the emotion boiling at the surface wanting so desperately to reveal itself. Then it comes ... TRUTH, REMINDER, Compassion. There is no protective cap ... the emotions over flow and the tears begin to come.

The most amazing thing happened after that moment. I could feel the One slowly and gingerly picking up the pieces around me as I sat and listened and talked with the one he delivered to answer my call. Peace begins to take place of the anger. Remembrance takes place of the anxiety. Comfort strips the fear away.

Then the embrace. Arms wrapped snugly around me as if they were actually there. They were His. The One that drew me close last Sunday. The One that waits patiently for me. The One who has been there with arms wide open desiring me to draw near. I began to share the details of my "dance" last Sunday to "Draw Me Close to You". The intimacy and the "freedom" found that time and life had forgotten. I remembered. I remembered the promises. I remembered the covenant made with me and the peace it poured into my soul.

He had picked up each and every piece. Each piece was brought back together where he mending them. No crack was over looked. As I sat in conversation with my friend, one in which he provided, He worked. Gently and intricately, He handled and reconnected each piece. Then he begin to pour into the once broken vessel. It began to overflow ....

What Grace! Peace.... confirmation...

I am His. He cares deeply for me. He longs for my heart to receive all He has to offer. I humbly bow my head and receive. Thank you Lord!

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.--2 Cor 4:1618