The Caverns Within...

sitting on the edge of the deepest most vast crevice found in this intense awe inspiring jungle... the most brilliant sight is before me... my heart can barely stay contained within. It feels as if it could break every bone keeping it captive and tear right through my flesh, it is sooo full! :) touched by light and living water... this cavern has grown the most beautiful moss, ferns, foliage, flowers and flow of multiple waterfalls that collect a lagoon of LIVING water!!!! my breath is kidnapped!

"Even the deepest of caverns ... once touched by light and living water... grow the most beautiful moss, ferns, foliage, flowers and flow of multiple waterfalls that collect a lagoon of LIVING water!!!! Supple, Viberant and Brilliant are the wounds that are healed by such an amazing God!!! Prayers aren't always answered for our Human perspective but God's panoramic perspective... which is SOOOOO MUCH BETTER!!! He is soooooo DELICIOUS!!!! (even when you are suffering from spiritual anorexia or bulimia..... been there done that.. I know that I know that I know to the marrow of my soul.)"

-- jeanette mayhew 11.09.2011

Moments of Brilliance and Unexpected Excellence

Have you ever had this insatiable need to write and then overwhelmed with the "where do I begin" or "which direction should I go" questions added to the million and one words that are just bursting to be put upon a page??? well that is exactly how I feel right now!! I just couldn't get home fast enough... buy my groceries and get situated at home soon enough... and then of course settled into position for "writing stance" easy enough just to begin getting the thoughts on a page. 

Tonight was filled with sensational brilliance of immense emotion, intense empathy/sympathy, overwhelming desire to sing until my vocal chords wept, and just jump into the biggest puddle and spin like a little girl exuberance .... not to mention drop down face first in humility and pain. WHAT A NIGHT!! I don't even know how to describe it or explain it.... but maybe I'm not supposed to explain.... maybe I'm supposed to just revel in the exceptional fluid moments that cumulate to make a night. No... no... I am not supposed to stop there... I need to share. 

Have you ever felt the pain of another person so deep it is as if it your own? Have you ever seen the halo of someone so brightly that is illuminates like the noon day sun at midnight even though they are outwardly completely broken? Have you ever felt love so big that it is as if your heart will break every bone containing it and just rip right through your skin? That is exactly .... EXACTLY what tonight was for me. I am not exaggerating... or fishing a tale (or telling a fish tale..lol). That is to the detail what my night was like. Now add to that the way your brain feels when you just sat at the foot of the most amazing teacher you have ever known... filled with so much that it hurts but beckons, actually BEGS for more. Yep, now you know what my night was like. Even now.. even now I am just bathing in the awesomeness of it all and even reminded the way my day was as well. I'm telling you... not one ounce of today was lost or with out exact perfect purpose. WOWZA!!!! NO MORE STATUS QUO is absolutely RIGHT!! :)

Oh... that's right I didn't tell you what I was doing. :) I've given you the When and How but not the Where, What, or Who-s. I told you this may be an adventure in it and of itself. :) Today ... Lunch with a dear friend... then Work with new and dear friends... then Bible study with amazing women of raw authentic wonderfulness. The one that stole the show? The awe inspiring Lover of our Souls!!! It was radtastically delicious!!! The conversations today and tonight were so .... REAL!!!! Raw rugged broken exuberant joyful beautifully tragic and inspiring. I can't seem to find enough descriptive words. 

To seriously lay down my life today for complete surrender to whatever He had planned and His purpose produced such a night that I just can't figure how I'm going to rest. :) I know that this may be just going out into the suspending void we call the Internet with only me and God reading this... but even that would be a perfect time placed purpose. :) However, if you do read this perchance, I pray that you are encourage and you "catch the joy" that is just oozing like sweet honey out of my soul on to this page. :) Be encouraged my friends.... a new day is just around the corner. He has already walked it for you ... just be BRAVE. :) ((of course I am open to questions too. :) I know that I left out stuff too. :) so many words and all moving so fast :) ))

The Most interesting thing......

the most interesting thing happened this early hour of the morning (actually late night for me :) ). I was looking through some pictures here in our little social network world and came upon a pic of what should have shattered me to pieces. Instead... I sat... I stared... taking in all the details... pondering... and then suddenly... I found myself, well, I found myself giggling. I was just overcome by "wow... they match and are suited... this is a beautiful picture" .. and then just praying for them. My heart actually was bubbling. Now seriously... who can make sense of that? I can.... the amazing power of the Love of the Lord!!! I mean it when i say I really love each of them with my whole heart and that proved it right there for me. First time ya know. It was my first time seeing all the pieces together at once. Wow... the word is what the word is = TRUE ... Love Covers all! :) I'm soooooo amazingly blessed and in awe of how God works. Goin' Lord just do yo' thang!!! :) 

 Please... all of you who have been on this arduous tragically beautiful adventure with me... Please pray for all of the elements. Lift them and blanket them in your love as well as prayer. God has GREATER plans that we can't imagine and He is SOOOOOO much bigger... let's continue to rise with Him. :) Thank you all so much for your prayer, support, love, and encouragement. God is soooooooooo GOOD!!!!! I am extremely blessed and LOVE MY LIFE and all the People in it!!! :) (all the people in it :) )

free to be all of me....

Have you ever had your heart hurt so much that you wish it would be removed from your chest

Have you ever had your stomach ache so much that it felt like you've been punched by a fist

Those moments in time where you know in the core of you " seriously, I'm finished" and you can't take another step

You know the truth and have seen the path of those before 

But you are tired and scream "I"M SO TIRED!!!!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE"

The places where the storm of tears just won't stop falling

Those moments of treacherous whispers constantly clawing at your soul and leaving shredded pieces behind

Telling you "your a fraud" or "this is your fault and this is why..."

"You really think you count that much or make a difference.... please, you were the very first mistress"

The place where you literally see (still) the shattered pieces (and in this moment) nothing more

In your humanity you are seeing the heart breaks you've caused and the tatters you tore out of other people's souls

You wale in the darkness of night 

Screaming your angst and plight

"I'm retched and a mess .... there is no good at this core"

"Please just take me home I don't want to do this anymore"

Feeling conflicted by your deep rooted smiles shining just days before

" Am I truly being real" you ask your broken soul

" Am I causing more harm than I did before"

The moment in which you have finally let the quiet around you allow you to FEEL the hidden recesses of your heart

Shame and guilt rise up in a furry

Filtering all of your current things through the filter of yesterdays

The raging winds of the storm surrounding you feel like they are closing in

.

..

...

.....

a gentle word touch your pounding ears

"fear not ... for I am with you"

"it's okay ... let me have it i can take it"

"ask your questions... you'll find"

"bang your fists... I'll open that door of mine"

"You will not be swallowed up or touched by the flames"

"yes..it's true YOU can't do it but I CAN

for what is impossible of man is POSSIBLE for ME"

"it's good you see the broken... I can now show you the mosaic that is to be"

"it's in these moments you will really experience and see my grace for thee"

"you are not your own... I have called you by name"

"what do you know of me?

Do you know I experience every ounce of your suffering

I catch every tear that falls from you tender cheek

I know the hurt waging from core of your feet to your head you see

I know you and every hair on your head

I have you.... go ahead let it out

I'm coming in.."

"WHO I AM I ALWAYS WILL BEYou, however, I change within & through the tragedies" 

"your sins have been forgiven and no more do I see

you are healed my darling woman... let your faith speak and set you free"

"I am yours, you are mine"

"let that little light shine"

"Do you know how bright light shines in encompassing darkness 

I will keep that oil filled as you display your brokenness"

"I have not left you 

I will NEVER LEAVE

You are in future's history"

"Your name is cut deep within my hands"

"I am the ONE who will help you stand"

"so rise up dear one ... take your bed and walk"

"You and I have a journey to the Lost"

....

...

..

.

So here I am for all to see

Broken and torn in my tragedies

But I am NOT defeated 

Nor am I perfect in the least

I just know the ONE who strengthens me.

So if you should see me 

And my smile is set blaze

Know that it is HIm 

Who lives inside of me.

I am not here to be a martyr

Or a perfect example of what should be

I'm just walking out my future's History.

HE LOVES YOU AS MUCH AS ME!!!!!

** addendum: It is in one of the most vulnerable places that I share these words this morning... my face laying upon His feet that have been flooded by my tears... I know in the depths of my soul He is with me and He is sovereign... and there are those times that I have allowed the lies of the enemy infiltrate and tell me that if I show my tears then the message I am sending is "I don't believe... I have no hope...I am giving up." The truth is ... I am pressing in deeper: I into Him and Him into me. 5he Lord just made it clear I need to Trust HIM when he says "Let down your guard so they can see... what's inside of you is me." So than each of you who read this and allow me to share my very vulnerable adventure... one step at a time. Love to you all!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 29

Blessed for the opportunity to rest in the hot spas of the sweet oasis in the newest part of the Jungle. This adventure has encapsulated growth, stretching, resting, and work. Every point necessary and important for the emerging purposes. Stripping away all that hides and weighs upon this fervent adventurer. :o) My A.G. provided the way and for my needs. :o)

 

pic by Lumatic ... thank you so much!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 26

overcome by physical weariness but lifted by the "visions" that fill the camp. Lifted in spirit by song, dance, and reminders of the fantastic AWESOMENESS of her Adventure Guide. :o) As the adventure continues the journey emerges growth and strips one of the unnecessary. Finding true enthusiasm, hope, and absolute CRAZY... LOVE  for the One who make me well ... within my soul. :o) one step at a time but for now... rest.

Pic by rvallentyne ... thank you so much!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 25

Blessed by the light that shines through the thick jungle leaves. I'm blessed to know He never leaves me. It's the journey of the heart not afraid that catapults me to another new day. :o) It's odd and a bit refreshing to walk in the dark boldly with absolute faith. Brand new day and physically worn thin but my soul is  just getting started... watch out little stealth ninja's ... you don't know who your messing with!

 

Pic by Silanov ... thank you so much! 

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 24

Found it's in the midst of the tangling vines that you can be set free. He has given me the machete and then said "Come to ME!" Hacking a way and breaking the binds that strangle out the light. Determined to fight for all that feel left behind. The beauty is in the humbleness of saying "I can't do this alone" and fall down exhausted at His feet baring my soul.

 Pic by Lollyknit ... thank you!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 23

On a journey that many would grow faint. Hand-n-hand in His Grace. Without it there would be no peace or sweet release of all that one carries on such a retreat. I haven't lost sight or changed my mind. I stand firm in what will take time. Not wavering; allowing Him to rebuild and restore what has been "lost".On go I in this grand adventure of mine. Joy (in the storm) in this moment and time.

 

Pic by shchukin ... thank you!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 22

"I fearlessly believe and am made well"... luke 8:50 Taking steps in faith are Never meant to be easy otherwise they would be steps of "I know it all"....LOL! In my Adventure Guide's  amazing love and care as we continue to trek through the depths of the jungle. My soul is encouraged as my hope is in Him! His Grace is sufficient in the rebuilding o'my soul and ruins of life. (Gal. 6:9; 2Cor.4:16-18) My joy is overflowing in the One who stands before me. (Ps. 27:13-14) :o) May this joy fill you up as well. 

 

Pic by jcoterhals ... thank you so much.

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 21

Filled with anticipation of this new venture to the learning lagoon. Joy builds as my A.G. jumps in with "cannon ball" form. Perfect splash and wave. "10" from the panel of one: me! My turn. I'm scared and excited all at once. I wonder: if a canon ball lands in a lagoon in the middle of the jungle... can anyone hear... it? and if not did it really happen? 1 for the money 2 for His show 3 to get ready and 4 to.....


Pic by notsogoodphotography .... thank you so much.

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 20

In the mist as the jungle darkens. Not to worry, this wayfarer is keeping her eyes locked on her Leader's Light. Veer to the ruins for more restoration & solidifying foundations. This adventure is long having plenty of twists & turns, as I continue to traverse. Adjusting my pack, machete in hand, I hand my canteen for a refill. My load is buoyant, in the care of my A.G. He takes my hand... :o) Here I go...

 

 

Pic by Richo.Fan ... thank you so much!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 19

((writing in the sunlight at the camp site in the midst of the jungle...)) "Nothing is accomplished in angst or alone. For we are made to trust and let go. Not seeking to succeed in the ways of our own but in Him alone we continue to grow. Its not about me but all about Him, so I humbly lay down all within. He comes be...side and picks it up placing the pieces together forging a stronger bond. Rise up now and SING!"

 

Pic by Aldo ... thank you so much! 

Preface for My Journey on the Adventure of My Life

The journey we walk in life, constantly fighting to find the light in the midst of darkness, does one of two things: strengthen us in our complete weakness or break us in lack of faith. Both come at the brink of death. I have learned that with "death" there is opportunity for resurrection when we let go and let God do his perfect will. It will be accomplished inspite of us and our "freewill" ... our "freewill" just lays the path for how we get there.

The "death" of a relationship isn't because of the lack of happiness, it is the lack of endurance and the "need" for the other person to provide such happiness. If we rely on others or self to provide happiness, completeness, fulfillment, encouragement we will forever ride the manic bipolar roller-coaster that has no conductor at the helm. The adventure is THROUGH the valleys which allows us to appreciate the beautiful mountainside.

I have found, on my adventure, that my hope and mere optimism is NOT my own; for I am not my own. I have been removing the leach of self-reliance from it's grip and found that it has kept me from true authenticity and completeness. Amazing how something that shows itself as "beneficial" really has caused me to miss some major points of understanding and illuminated the amount of distrust I truly have. There is a stripping of all that I thought I knew and was. The layers confined and disguised me from what I am truly meant to be.

The journey of such and adventure is painful for any traveler. The endurance it takes and pride that is literally knocked out of you takes it's toll. The only way to not only Survive but THRIVE is to follow an adventure guide. Someone who has been there before you and is perfect in the skills and translations. Notice that I said PERFECT. There is NO ONE perfect human... except the Son of Man who is the living WORD. Who was and is and is to come. See... my hope is not my own. It is found in the One who IS Hope.

The adventure is never to be easy or without pain. So to ask "why do bad things happen to good people?" is to really ask "why do good people have the same hurts and trials as the rest of us?" (John 16:33) There absolutely are no favorites on the journey. Each one has their path to walk. The authentic character of a person rises to the surface during the raging floods. You truly see who you are at the core of yourself when you endure and go through the tragic canyons of life. You find there is much to the "good person" that is either strengthened & amplified or needs to be purged out & stripped away. (Rom.8:28)

See there is nothing new or unknown by the Adventure Guide. SO no matter what chaos, storm, tar blackness, R.O.U.Ses, quicksand traps, strangling vines.... I could keep going... all of it is under His watchful eyes and with in His control ... in the Palm of His hand. Be encouraged traveler.... You are not alone..... even when you head the wrong direction.

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 18

reminded that the walls fell with a simple shout of faith. For the moment had been prepared before the actual day. He never leaves you stranded or without any hope, but puts you on the path that will lead closer than before. So there is no actual sadness for my Hope lies in my Adventure Guide, who leads me by still waters and never leaves my side. :o) The adventure still charges on, for the journey has just begun.

Pic by Szeke ... thank you so much!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 16

Taking a trek to the highlands and foresees no rest in sight for the body but the soul is lifted like that of eagles wings. The greatness and splendor bring me to a place of awe... looking at the stars reminds me how small and inconsequential it all truly is. My adventure guide points out the grand beauty of the constellations as he reminds me how important the tiny details are to Him. Brimming hope, we walk on

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 16

Strangely intrigued by the unknown as the tests challenge me to move in the maze of the jungle like Tomb Raider. Picking up the pieces for rebuilding the ancient ruins, I take steps with cat-like-reflexes paying close attention to every move and noise in the surrounding darkness. I see the flicker of my Adventure Guide's fire up ahead. Once again, He waits as I am in another day of forging inquests. :o)

pic by Allard One .... thank you so much! 

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 15

STANDING, playing, and DANCING in the storm. Summer monsoon of the jungle brings release, relief, and a place to shed the tears. My amazing Adventure Guide has set the stage by opening his arms wide and embracing the rain. I followed suit and in moments I was drenched ... dancing... and embracing it myself. So here,... in the moment, I sing in the rain. "Patience, my dear.." I hear in the sweet drops of renewal.

 

pic by neloque ... thank you!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 13

Tired but encouraged as I venture in the the surrounding jungle... still rebuilding the ancient ruins. What a long project, but ABSOLUTELY worth it. Today my Adventure guide has taken me on a walkabout. The thickening jungle around me has reminded me how i cannot do this trek alone without getting lost or dieing. Yet, there is a bright light He shines that brings Peace & Joy beyond understanding! and I STAND!

 

Pic. by Me. :o)

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 12

I'm sore as I have been rebuilding the ruins and  kicking the tukas of the enemy who has been stealthily trying to win....  BUT NOT!!! The jungle is heavy with heat, yet the living water keeps me  hydrated and overflowing with Joy and strength even in the midst of the battles.

I'm in the middle of the adventure but the battles keep on coming.  The enemy is stealthy and annoying like that. What ?? Does he think I'm  going to give up?! HA! good luck with that!! I know who my Lord is!!!

Round one he sent in piranhas,  pygmies, and poison arrows then I was almost swallowed by quicksand.  Round 2.. this one is in the clearing where the ruins covered with  choking vines lay and the altar that I found... where the Lord has been  showing me how to cut down the vines that bind, rebuilding the ancient  ruins one brick at a time, and strengthening my hope, faith, and resilience  in the adventure. Of course the enemy sent in evil-jungle-ninjas this  time and I broke out some KRAV MAGA on their Tukas'. And yes..my story  is an allegory with some parable connotations.


Pic by Lutz-R. Frank.... Thank you so much! :o)