Moments of Brilliance and Unexpected Excellence

Have you ever had this insatiable need to write and then overwhelmed with the "where do I begin" or "which direction should I go" questions added to the million and one words that are just bursting to be put upon a page??? well that is exactly how I feel right now!! I just couldn't get home fast enough... buy my groceries and get situated at home soon enough... and then of course settled into position for "writing stance" easy enough just to begin getting the thoughts on a page. 

Tonight was filled with sensational brilliance of immense emotion, intense empathy/sympathy, overwhelming desire to sing until my vocal chords wept, and just jump into the biggest puddle and spin like a little girl exuberance .... not to mention drop down face first in humility and pain. WHAT A NIGHT!! I don't even know how to describe it or explain it.... but maybe I'm not supposed to explain.... maybe I'm supposed to just revel in the exceptional fluid moments that cumulate to make a night. No... no... I am not supposed to stop there... I need to share. 

Have you ever felt the pain of another person so deep it is as if it your own? Have you ever seen the halo of someone so brightly that is illuminates like the noon day sun at midnight even though they are outwardly completely broken? Have you ever felt love so big that it is as if your heart will break every bone containing it and just rip right through your skin? That is exactly .... EXACTLY what tonight was for me. I am not exaggerating... or fishing a tale (or telling a fish tale..lol). That is to the detail what my night was like. Now add to that the way your brain feels when you just sat at the foot of the most amazing teacher you have ever known... filled with so much that it hurts but beckons, actually BEGS for more. Yep, now you know what my night was like. Even now.. even now I am just bathing in the awesomeness of it all and even reminded the way my day was as well. I'm telling you... not one ounce of today was lost or with out exact perfect purpose. WOWZA!!!! NO MORE STATUS QUO is absolutely RIGHT!! :)

Oh... that's right I didn't tell you what I was doing. :) I've given you the When and How but not the Where, What, or Who-s. I told you this may be an adventure in it and of itself. :) Today ... Lunch with a dear friend... then Work with new and dear friends... then Bible study with amazing women of raw authentic wonderfulness. The one that stole the show? The awe inspiring Lover of our Souls!!! It was radtastically delicious!!! The conversations today and tonight were so .... REAL!!!! Raw rugged broken exuberant joyful beautifully tragic and inspiring. I can't seem to find enough descriptive words. 

To seriously lay down my life today for complete surrender to whatever He had planned and His purpose produced such a night that I just can't figure how I'm going to rest. :) I know that this may be just going out into the suspending void we call the Internet with only me and God reading this... but even that would be a perfect time placed purpose. :) However, if you do read this perchance, I pray that you are encourage and you "catch the joy" that is just oozing like sweet honey out of my soul on to this page. :) Be encouraged my friends.... a new day is just around the corner. He has already walked it for you ... just be BRAVE. :) ((of course I am open to questions too. :) I know that I left out stuff too. :) so many words and all moving so fast :) ))

The Most interesting thing......

the most interesting thing happened this early hour of the morning (actually late night for me :) ). I was looking through some pictures here in our little social network world and came upon a pic of what should have shattered me to pieces. Instead... I sat... I stared... taking in all the details... pondering... and then suddenly... I found myself, well, I found myself giggling. I was just overcome by "wow... they match and are suited... this is a beautiful picture" .. and then just praying for them. My heart actually was bubbling. Now seriously... who can make sense of that? I can.... the amazing power of the Love of the Lord!!! I mean it when i say I really love each of them with my whole heart and that proved it right there for me. First time ya know. It was my first time seeing all the pieces together at once. Wow... the word is what the word is = TRUE ... Love Covers all! :) I'm soooooo amazingly blessed and in awe of how God works. Goin' Lord just do yo' thang!!! :) 

 Please... all of you who have been on this arduous tragically beautiful adventure with me... Please pray for all of the elements. Lift them and blanket them in your love as well as prayer. God has GREATER plans that we can't imagine and He is SOOOOOO much bigger... let's continue to rise with Him. :) Thank you all so much for your prayer, support, love, and encouragement. God is soooooooooo GOOD!!!!! I am extremely blessed and LOVE MY LIFE and all the People in it!!! :) (all the people in it :) )

Saying Goodbye....while Standing

"be still"

if I could tell you all the things my heart longs to say

if I could show you the tears wailed in anger and pain

if you could feel my love that has carved a deep abyss

that love that i have carried for you even in my times of sin

then you may know that all I say is true

that the years we've had are not to be cast aside

as if imagination was all we lived through

I am still here

Existing and living it out

I am still flawed

isn't that what grace is all about 

we committed for better or for worst 

when the worst ripped through our love seemed to burst

shattered into a million pieces 

neither of us knew how to fix

doing as we always had & caused you to grow bitterness

the hardening you feel I have once felt too

but there is a difference between me and you

I can't imagine my life without your smile or eyes

even though we've fought and cried

I can't imagine your body not next to mine

though we both have damaged that holy place that binds

I can't imagine not sharing in life

where once we dreamed in innocent bliss devine

my heart was softened with a tremendous blow

I couldn't deny the depth of my love for you (though you may never know)

but your heart is hurt and angered so 

your path you've chosen 

and that is to go

you've begun a new life with someone new

and slowly trying to erase my existence with you

an innocent is about to enter this mess

all I can do is ache knowing that there is more to you then this

if we could just sit and talk and deal with the loss

look back and see the beauty along with the costs

it wasn't all bad or decay

it wasn't all tears or pain

there was lots of silly laughter 

playful twists and turns

growing up and learning 

sometimes listening without a word

moments when I would take your breath 

and you would take mine

moment when it seemed we had stopped time

hugs that seemed to encompass

where two into one would disappear

kisses that sent me back to the very first year

why can't we turn back the hands of time

go to the beginnings where our hands nervously intertwined 

remembering and seeing who we really are

embracing with grace all of the scars

wounds do heal and grow deep strength

that is how love survives the angst

it thrives through the depths of the deepest pain

because it remembers where the beginnings remain

lets go back and pick up the shattered pieces left behind

the mosaic created would stand the test of time

happiness will come and go 

but love's joy will overflow

you have to remember the beginnings to move safely ahead

or you will get lost in the forest of "what if's" and dread

noone can heal those broken areas within 

except the one who was there when it happened

nothing human is good in this world 

they will always fall short that's why we have Him and His word

I wish you would reset the hands of time

I would do it all again and that I can't deny

It wouldn't be the same but better than before

if we could just try walking through that door

regardless of what you choose 

my heart will carry deep eternal love

but for now I say good bye 

and trust the One above

((not an easy choice... but learning one breath at a time... trusting His leading and not mine))

free to be all of me....

Have you ever had your heart hurt so much that you wish it would be removed from your chest

Have you ever had your stomach ache so much that it felt like you've been punched by a fist

Those moments in time where you know in the core of you " seriously, I'm finished" and you can't take another step

You know the truth and have seen the path of those before 

But you are tired and scream "I"M SO TIRED!!!!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE"

The places where the storm of tears just won't stop falling

Those moments of treacherous whispers constantly clawing at your soul and leaving shredded pieces behind

Telling you "your a fraud" or "this is your fault and this is why..."

"You really think you count that much or make a difference.... please, you were the very first mistress"

The place where you literally see (still) the shattered pieces (and in this moment) nothing more

In your humanity you are seeing the heart breaks you've caused and the tatters you tore out of other people's souls

You wale in the darkness of night 

Screaming your angst and plight

"I'm retched and a mess .... there is no good at this core"

"Please just take me home I don't want to do this anymore"

Feeling conflicted by your deep rooted smiles shining just days before

" Am I truly being real" you ask your broken soul

" Am I causing more harm than I did before"

The moment in which you have finally let the quiet around you allow you to FEEL the hidden recesses of your heart

Shame and guilt rise up in a furry

Filtering all of your current things through the filter of yesterdays

The raging winds of the storm surrounding you feel like they are closing in

.

..

...

.....

a gentle word touch your pounding ears

"fear not ... for I am with you"

"it's okay ... let me have it i can take it"

"ask your questions... you'll find"

"bang your fists... I'll open that door of mine"

"You will not be swallowed up or touched by the flames"

"yes..it's true YOU can't do it but I CAN

for what is impossible of man is POSSIBLE for ME"

"it's good you see the broken... I can now show you the mosaic that is to be"

"it's in these moments you will really experience and see my grace for thee"

"you are not your own... I have called you by name"

"what do you know of me?

Do you know I experience every ounce of your suffering

I catch every tear that falls from you tender cheek

I know the hurt waging from core of your feet to your head you see

I know you and every hair on your head

I have you.... go ahead let it out

I'm coming in.."

"WHO I AM I ALWAYS WILL BEYou, however, I change within & through the tragedies" 

"your sins have been forgiven and no more do I see

you are healed my darling woman... let your faith speak and set you free"

"I am yours, you are mine"

"let that little light shine"

"Do you know how bright light shines in encompassing darkness 

I will keep that oil filled as you display your brokenness"

"I have not left you 

I will NEVER LEAVE

You are in future's history"

"Your name is cut deep within my hands"

"I am the ONE who will help you stand"

"so rise up dear one ... take your bed and walk"

"You and I have a journey to the Lost"

....

...

..

.

So here I am for all to see

Broken and torn in my tragedies

But I am NOT defeated 

Nor am I perfect in the least

I just know the ONE who strengthens me.

So if you should see me 

And my smile is set blaze

Know that it is HIm 

Who lives inside of me.

I am not here to be a martyr

Or a perfect example of what should be

I'm just walking out my future's History.

HE LOVES YOU AS MUCH AS ME!!!!!

** addendum: It is in one of the most vulnerable places that I share these words this morning... my face laying upon His feet that have been flooded by my tears... I know in the depths of my soul He is with me and He is sovereign... and there are those times that I have allowed the lies of the enemy infiltrate and tell me that if I show my tears then the message I am sending is "I don't believe... I have no hope...I am giving up." The truth is ... I am pressing in deeper: I into Him and Him into me. 5he Lord just made it clear I need to Trust HIM when he says "Let down your guard so they can see... what's inside of you is me." So than each of you who read this and allow me to share my very vulnerable adventure... one step at a time. Love to you all!

Upon Hearing Heartbreaking news in regards to the Love of my Life...

In this life my dreams may crumble and my heart may be in pieces... but it is He who is the Restorer of ruins and Creator of the sunsets that takes the shattered pieces. He picks them one by one and places them in the most amazing Mosaic art piece that has ever been envisioned. So much better than what I would design myself. :o) No matter WHAT crumbles into splinters of glass.... He displays the beauty. :o) 

So I walk... alone in intimate companionship with the Lover of my soul and TRUST!! He knows better than I and He is still the God of Abraham!! :o)

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 29

Blessed for the opportunity to rest in the hot spas of the sweet oasis in the newest part of the Jungle. This adventure has encapsulated growth, stretching, resting, and work. Every point necessary and important for the emerging purposes. Stripping away all that hides and weighs upon this fervent adventurer. :o) My A.G. provided the way and for my needs. :o)

 

pic by Lumatic ... thank you so much!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 26

overcome by physical weariness but lifted by the "visions" that fill the camp. Lifted in spirit by song, dance, and reminders of the fantastic AWESOMENESS of her Adventure Guide. :o) As the adventure continues the journey emerges growth and strips one of the unnecessary. Finding true enthusiasm, hope, and absolute CRAZY... LOVE  for the One who make me well ... within my soul. :o) one step at a time but for now... rest.

Pic by rvallentyne ... thank you so much!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 24

Found it's in the midst of the tangling vines that you can be set free. He has given me the machete and then said "Come to ME!" Hacking a way and breaking the binds that strangle out the light. Determined to fight for all that feel left behind. The beauty is in the humbleness of saying "I can't do this alone" and fall down exhausted at His feet baring my soul.

 Pic by Lollyknit ... thank you!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 23

On a journey that many would grow faint. Hand-n-hand in His Grace. Without it there would be no peace or sweet release of all that one carries on such a retreat. I haven't lost sight or changed my mind. I stand firm in what will take time. Not wavering; allowing Him to rebuild and restore what has been "lost".On go I in this grand adventure of mine. Joy (in the storm) in this moment and time.

 

Pic by shchukin ... thank you!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 22

"I fearlessly believe and am made well"... luke 8:50 Taking steps in faith are Never meant to be easy otherwise they would be steps of "I know it all"....LOL! In my Adventure Guide's  amazing love and care as we continue to trek through the depths of the jungle. My soul is encouraged as my hope is in Him! His Grace is sufficient in the rebuilding o'my soul and ruins of life. (Gal. 6:9; 2Cor.4:16-18) My joy is overflowing in the One who stands before me. (Ps. 27:13-14) :o) May this joy fill you up as well. 

 

Pic by jcoterhals ... thank you so much.

Preface for My Journey on the Adventure of My Life

The journey we walk in life, constantly fighting to find the light in the midst of darkness, does one of two things: strengthen us in our complete weakness or break us in lack of faith. Both come at the brink of death. I have learned that with "death" there is opportunity for resurrection when we let go and let God do his perfect will. It will be accomplished inspite of us and our "freewill" ... our "freewill" just lays the path for how we get there.

The "death" of a relationship isn't because of the lack of happiness, it is the lack of endurance and the "need" for the other person to provide such happiness. If we rely on others or self to provide happiness, completeness, fulfillment, encouragement we will forever ride the manic bipolar roller-coaster that has no conductor at the helm. The adventure is THROUGH the valleys which allows us to appreciate the beautiful mountainside.

I have found, on my adventure, that my hope and mere optimism is NOT my own; for I am not my own. I have been removing the leach of self-reliance from it's grip and found that it has kept me from true authenticity and completeness. Amazing how something that shows itself as "beneficial" really has caused me to miss some major points of understanding and illuminated the amount of distrust I truly have. There is a stripping of all that I thought I knew and was. The layers confined and disguised me from what I am truly meant to be.

The journey of such and adventure is painful for any traveler. The endurance it takes and pride that is literally knocked out of you takes it's toll. The only way to not only Survive but THRIVE is to follow an adventure guide. Someone who has been there before you and is perfect in the skills and translations. Notice that I said PERFECT. There is NO ONE perfect human... except the Son of Man who is the living WORD. Who was and is and is to come. See... my hope is not my own. It is found in the One who IS Hope.

The adventure is never to be easy or without pain. So to ask "why do bad things happen to good people?" is to really ask "why do good people have the same hurts and trials as the rest of us?" (John 16:33) There absolutely are no favorites on the journey. Each one has their path to walk. The authentic character of a person rises to the surface during the raging floods. You truly see who you are at the core of yourself when you endure and go through the tragic canyons of life. You find there is much to the "good person" that is either strengthened & amplified or needs to be purged out & stripped away. (Rom.8:28)

See there is nothing new or unknown by the Adventure Guide. SO no matter what chaos, storm, tar blackness, R.O.U.Ses, quicksand traps, strangling vines.... I could keep going... all of it is under His watchful eyes and with in His control ... in the Palm of His hand. Be encouraged traveler.... You are not alone..... even when you head the wrong direction.

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 18

reminded that the walls fell with a simple shout of faith. For the moment had been prepared before the actual day. He never leaves you stranded or without any hope, but puts you on the path that will lead closer than before. So there is no actual sadness for my Hope lies in my Adventure Guide, who leads me by still waters and never leaves my side. :o) The adventure still charges on, for the journey has just begun.

Pic by Szeke ... thank you so much!

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 17

Thankful that I don't walk alone though it feels that way. Living out the heartaches and pains takes my breath away. The weariness overwhelms my soul at times. Fighting for my first love stretches my patience, soul, and heart. I've stood at the edge of it all and almost fell over it but when i stepped I found there was a strong hand beneath my feet. For now I fall into it and release it all. I will not be moved!

pic by me. :o)

My journey on the Adventure of my life... Part 10

so amazingly blessed in this day! I have rejoiced in it ... battered and bruised we came upon a open clearing with ancient ruins rising out of it. Vines of destruction over powered every structure, yet the essence of what once was still stood. In the center a alter. It was magnificent in size and solid stone. Then I was reminded of Abraham and Isaac. I knelt down and cried... remembering the Hope, Faith, Sacrifice.


Pic by Benjamin Fitzgerald... fantastic work. :o)

My journey on the Adventure of my life... Part 9

I was in an FANTASTIC BATTLE! It was amazing... my Adventure Guide and I went to battle. I learned & delivered some amazing moves that are sure to bring the enemy down to their knees. I had SHOUTS that brought the walls down. Kicks from all angles that left them on their face in the jungle mud. And my elbows... man .. watch out for those weapons. They're soon to be licensed. Now resting & laughing. Victory!! :o)


Pic by crossfitalpha... thank you for the logo. Fantastic visual of KM.

My journey on the Adventure of my life... Part 5

riding the current of the waterfall that has taken her breath away in the midst of the Jungle of life. The adventure takes rough twists and turns yet The Adventure guide knows the journey's end, so she keeps her eyes locked on Him. The Long drop is worth the breathtaking beauty of seriously "Letting Go" so the Guide can show her the warm Lagoon at the bottom. Hard? Yes.. Scary?... Yes... willing to walk in faith? YES!

pic by opob on flickr.... thank you!

In the Storm

As I sit here listening to the rain fall, my pulse races and muscles tense in the memories of yesterday. The moments of laughter, touch, longing passion untouched by any other. The smell of his skin. The sound of his heart beating. The touch... the touch that makes my soul melt into oblivion. Still ... even now as the thunder trembles my being... I ache and wait.

Wait for the sorrow to end. Wait for the joy to rise once again. Wait... patiently... for the guide of the Soothing Father's hand. Nothing has happened with out purpose or cause it is just that I am still lost in the emotions of it all. Is it wrong?

No, most certainly not. If my emotions were not involved, for me at least, it would betray the truth of my heart and harden what must be pliable. So, what do I do? What do I say? Do I cry and yell in the midst of the pain? Do I stand tall, shoulders back and take on another day? Who ever said it had to be one or the other? I'll do both. I'll cry and yell as my heart needs to decompress; then I'll laugh and dance as I am once again filled with the joy of the Creator's hand.

It's never easy to go against the "natural" flow of societies current but I am not about to drown in the rapids of collective faithlessness. My body will strengthen in each forceful stroke. My heart grows stronger in endurance as I continue in faith and belief in the only One who knows where it all began and where it is to go. So keep falling rain and thunder storms roar ... I am still going forward regardless of the storm. I will not be lost.