Moments of Brilliance and Unexpected Excellence

Have you ever had this insatiable need to write and then overwhelmed with the "where do I begin" or "which direction should I go" questions added to the million and one words that are just bursting to be put upon a page??? well that is exactly how I feel right now!! I just couldn't get home fast enough... buy my groceries and get situated at home soon enough... and then of course settled into position for "writing stance" easy enough just to begin getting the thoughts on a page. 

Tonight was filled with sensational brilliance of immense emotion, intense empathy/sympathy, overwhelming desire to sing until my vocal chords wept, and just jump into the biggest puddle and spin like a little girl exuberance .... not to mention drop down face first in humility and pain. WHAT A NIGHT!! I don't even know how to describe it or explain it.... but maybe I'm not supposed to explain.... maybe I'm supposed to just revel in the exceptional fluid moments that cumulate to make a night. No... no... I am not supposed to stop there... I need to share. 

Have you ever felt the pain of another person so deep it is as if it your own? Have you ever seen the halo of someone so brightly that is illuminates like the noon day sun at midnight even though they are outwardly completely broken? Have you ever felt love so big that it is as if your heart will break every bone containing it and just rip right through your skin? That is exactly .... EXACTLY what tonight was for me. I am not exaggerating... or fishing a tale (or telling a fish tale..lol). That is to the detail what my night was like. Now add to that the way your brain feels when you just sat at the foot of the most amazing teacher you have ever known... filled with so much that it hurts but beckons, actually BEGS for more. Yep, now you know what my night was like. Even now.. even now I am just bathing in the awesomeness of it all and even reminded the way my day was as well. I'm telling you... not one ounce of today was lost or with out exact perfect purpose. WOWZA!!!! NO MORE STATUS QUO is absolutely RIGHT!! :)

Oh... that's right I didn't tell you what I was doing. :) I've given you the When and How but not the Where, What, or Who-s. I told you this may be an adventure in it and of itself. :) Today ... Lunch with a dear friend... then Work with new and dear friends... then Bible study with amazing women of raw authentic wonderfulness. The one that stole the show? The awe inspiring Lover of our Souls!!! It was radtastically delicious!!! The conversations today and tonight were so .... REAL!!!! Raw rugged broken exuberant joyful beautifully tragic and inspiring. I can't seem to find enough descriptive words. 

To seriously lay down my life today for complete surrender to whatever He had planned and His purpose produced such a night that I just can't figure how I'm going to rest. :) I know that this may be just going out into the suspending void we call the Internet with only me and God reading this... but even that would be a perfect time placed purpose. :) However, if you do read this perchance, I pray that you are encourage and you "catch the joy" that is just oozing like sweet honey out of my soul on to this page. :) Be encouraged my friends.... a new day is just around the corner. He has already walked it for you ... just be BRAVE. :) ((of course I am open to questions too. :) I know that I left out stuff too. :) so many words and all moving so fast :) ))

Saying Goodbye....while Standing

"be still"

if I could tell you all the things my heart longs to say

if I could show you the tears wailed in anger and pain

if you could feel my love that has carved a deep abyss

that love that i have carried for you even in my times of sin

then you may know that all I say is true

that the years we've had are not to be cast aside

as if imagination was all we lived through

I am still here

Existing and living it out

I am still flawed

isn't that what grace is all about 

we committed for better or for worst 

when the worst ripped through our love seemed to burst

shattered into a million pieces 

neither of us knew how to fix

doing as we always had & caused you to grow bitterness

the hardening you feel I have once felt too

but there is a difference between me and you

I can't imagine my life without your smile or eyes

even though we've fought and cried

I can't imagine your body not next to mine

though we both have damaged that holy place that binds

I can't imagine not sharing in life

where once we dreamed in innocent bliss devine

my heart was softened with a tremendous blow

I couldn't deny the depth of my love for you (though you may never know)

but your heart is hurt and angered so 

your path you've chosen 

and that is to go

you've begun a new life with someone new

and slowly trying to erase my existence with you

an innocent is about to enter this mess

all I can do is ache knowing that there is more to you then this

if we could just sit and talk and deal with the loss

look back and see the beauty along with the costs

it wasn't all bad or decay

it wasn't all tears or pain

there was lots of silly laughter 

playful twists and turns

growing up and learning 

sometimes listening without a word

moments when I would take your breath 

and you would take mine

moment when it seemed we had stopped time

hugs that seemed to encompass

where two into one would disappear

kisses that sent me back to the very first year

why can't we turn back the hands of time

go to the beginnings where our hands nervously intertwined 

remembering and seeing who we really are

embracing with grace all of the scars

wounds do heal and grow deep strength

that is how love survives the angst

it thrives through the depths of the deepest pain

because it remembers where the beginnings remain

lets go back and pick up the shattered pieces left behind

the mosaic created would stand the test of time

happiness will come and go 

but love's joy will overflow

you have to remember the beginnings to move safely ahead

or you will get lost in the forest of "what if's" and dread

noone can heal those broken areas within 

except the one who was there when it happened

nothing human is good in this world 

they will always fall short that's why we have Him and His word

I wish you would reset the hands of time

I would do it all again and that I can't deny

It wouldn't be the same but better than before

if we could just try walking through that door

regardless of what you choose 

my heart will carry deep eternal love

but for now I say good bye 

and trust the One above

((not an easy choice... but learning one breath at a time... trusting His leading and not mine))

free to be all of me....

Have you ever had your heart hurt so much that you wish it would be removed from your chest

Have you ever had your stomach ache so much that it felt like you've been punched by a fist

Those moments in time where you know in the core of you " seriously, I'm finished" and you can't take another step

You know the truth and have seen the path of those before 

But you are tired and scream "I"M SO TIRED!!!!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE"

The places where the storm of tears just won't stop falling

Those moments of treacherous whispers constantly clawing at your soul and leaving shredded pieces behind

Telling you "your a fraud" or "this is your fault and this is why..."

"You really think you count that much or make a difference.... please, you were the very first mistress"

The place where you literally see (still) the shattered pieces (and in this moment) nothing more

In your humanity you are seeing the heart breaks you've caused and the tatters you tore out of other people's souls

You wale in the darkness of night 

Screaming your angst and plight

"I'm retched and a mess .... there is no good at this core"

"Please just take me home I don't want to do this anymore"

Feeling conflicted by your deep rooted smiles shining just days before

" Am I truly being real" you ask your broken soul

" Am I causing more harm than I did before"

The moment in which you have finally let the quiet around you allow you to FEEL the hidden recesses of your heart

Shame and guilt rise up in a furry

Filtering all of your current things through the filter of yesterdays

The raging winds of the storm surrounding you feel like they are closing in

.

..

...

.....

a gentle word touch your pounding ears

"fear not ... for I am with you"

"it's okay ... let me have it i can take it"

"ask your questions... you'll find"

"bang your fists... I'll open that door of mine"

"You will not be swallowed up or touched by the flames"

"yes..it's true YOU can't do it but I CAN

for what is impossible of man is POSSIBLE for ME"

"it's good you see the broken... I can now show you the mosaic that is to be"

"it's in these moments you will really experience and see my grace for thee"

"you are not your own... I have called you by name"

"what do you know of me?

Do you know I experience every ounce of your suffering

I catch every tear that falls from you tender cheek

I know the hurt waging from core of your feet to your head you see

I know you and every hair on your head

I have you.... go ahead let it out

I'm coming in.."

"WHO I AM I ALWAYS WILL BEYou, however, I change within & through the tragedies" 

"your sins have been forgiven and no more do I see

you are healed my darling woman... let your faith speak and set you free"

"I am yours, you are mine"

"let that little light shine"

"Do you know how bright light shines in encompassing darkness 

I will keep that oil filled as you display your brokenness"

"I have not left you 

I will NEVER LEAVE

You are in future's history"

"Your name is cut deep within my hands"

"I am the ONE who will help you stand"

"so rise up dear one ... take your bed and walk"

"You and I have a journey to the Lost"

....

...

..

.

So here I am for all to see

Broken and torn in my tragedies

But I am NOT defeated 

Nor am I perfect in the least

I just know the ONE who strengthens me.

So if you should see me 

And my smile is set blaze

Know that it is HIm 

Who lives inside of me.

I am not here to be a martyr

Or a perfect example of what should be

I'm just walking out my future's History.

HE LOVES YOU AS MUCH AS ME!!!!!

** addendum: It is in one of the most vulnerable places that I share these words this morning... my face laying upon His feet that have been flooded by my tears... I know in the depths of my soul He is with me and He is sovereign... and there are those times that I have allowed the lies of the enemy infiltrate and tell me that if I show my tears then the message I am sending is "I don't believe... I have no hope...I am giving up." The truth is ... I am pressing in deeper: I into Him and Him into me. 5he Lord just made it clear I need to Trust HIM when he says "Let down your guard so they can see... what's inside of you is me." So than each of you who read this and allow me to share my very vulnerable adventure... one step at a time. Love to you all!

My journey on the Adventure of my life... Part 5

riding the current of the waterfall that has taken her breath away in the midst of the Jungle of life. The adventure takes rough twists and turns yet The Adventure guide knows the journey's end, so she keeps her eyes locked on Him. The Long drop is worth the breathtaking beauty of seriously "Letting Go" so the Guide can show her the warm Lagoon at the bottom. Hard? Yes.. Scary?... Yes... willing to walk in faith? YES!

pic by opob on flickr.... thank you!

My journey on the Adventure of my life... Part 2

blessed by the journey that her Adventure Guide has led her on. To go back in time, embracing the future, but most of all enjoying the moment. So much happens in the present... delight in such a gift!





pic by charlattecreations on flickr... thank you!

My journey on the Adventure of my life... Part 1

excited for the new journey ahead. How exciting to be able to have a NEW day every time we wake up. I mean seriously... if we leave yesterday where it belongs and the future for Him to handle ahead of us then the day we are in is Brand New... it has it's own adventures and baggage. "Hand me a machete and canteen. Okay... Let's Do This!" I've got the best "Adventure Guide" around ... That's just how He rolls!




pic by geekmojo from flickr... thank you! fantastic pic.

Believe...

Awaiting in space and time
With everything around without rhyme

Just standing in the blackness and smoke
Remembering Faith is not seeing but stands in Hope

Hope and promises of things unseen
Believing in Him and walking free

Free of fears and what is known
Free of bondage which once did tightly hold

"They say many things.."
However "they" go on what they see
Yet I choose to stand firm on thee

All is not lost just because it looks dead
For in the winter the life is restoring in grounds bed

We know that spring will come
Though we don't see it..life soon will be sprung
From the hard, cold, broken ground
After time and His hand has strengthened roots all around

Even in the quiet pain
Here I am standing in faith

Stand in the rain
Of hardship and change

Going beyond what you see
For in the winter roots are set free
To grow stronger and deeper
By the hand of the Creator

And when Life springs forth
You'll know that your Faith helped you stand the coarse.

He does not lie
He is Faithful in deed
He is the Master of all
He is HE

So here I stand
Beyond what I see
Standing in Faith
Believing in HE.

Another twist in the Fantastic adventure ....

I did it! I turned in my college application today. Yep that's right. I am going back to school. I have only actually completed one year. I then entered the "adult" world. That was about 14 years ago. Yes... I said it... 14 years ago. :o) I'm so excited, scared and I WANT IT SO BAD!!! It has left an aching hunger in my soul and I am excited for this new path of the fantastic adventure God has me on. He is not boring. :o) I can say that with all honesty and with a joyful heart. 

So here is my letter of submission for my application. I should add I'm okay whatever the outcome may be because there is a bigger picture here and I don't know all of the details. :o)

Hello! My name is Jeanette Mayhew. I am 32 years old, and I have a strong desire to return to school. I am a young woman on the cusp of truly embracing the Lord's calling in my life and the plans he has for me. I have no interest in superficial interactions, so I am going to break into the reality that is my life right now.

Here I am. I have had 13 years in the "real world" trying to figure out what direction to go in, and falling along the way. I have never lost sight of the Creator of my soul, however, I have often ignored him in my own journey of youthful pride and disobedience. I am in a place right now of taking His hand and leaping in absolute faith. I know that He has created me for an absolute purpose. it is time to live it out.

I am profoundly overwhelmed at the movement he has made in my life. I don't know all of the details but what I do know is that he is igniting my passion. Which brings me to: "Why now?" and "Why George Fox University?"

Often, I have wished I would have stayed and finished school. Whether It was fear or complete naiveté, I didn't complete my studies. Now I am older, hopefully wiser, and most definitely more hungry for the college experience and I have the desire to finish strong. I want to "suck the marrow out of life" as the Lord has given it to me. I believe that, for me George Fox University is the place to do that.

My desire is to enter into the whole undergraduate experience: to complete a double Major in writing / literature and communications, while receiving a minor in ESOL with a higher than 3.0 GPA, then complete my Master's in teaching. I have no excuses or distractions. I know that I can do it all in Him.

I have not reached this decision in haste or without deep prayer and petition. Our Lord is great, unpredictable in our natural expectations, and he has a fantastic sense of humor. I am excited and anticipate this new adventure.

My life began with the Lord when I was 10, at Fellowship Bible Church in Phoenix, Arizona during A.W.A.N.A. My mom has been a single parent from the time I was 2. She was 27 at this point and cried when she heard the news. :o) We moved to Oregon when I entered high school. Through high school, I grew in my relationship with the Lord, always asking myself "If I died today, what do I want people to remember of me?"

Upon graduation I knew I was going to George Fox and my boyfriend would be going to Western Baptist. We had just started our relationship that spring and the distraction began. I spent half of my time at GFU and the other half at Western Baptist. I married him. We have had out own journey through the valleys and mountain tops and the Lord has been in it all. He certainly allowed me to fall hard enough to get my attention and awaken my passion once again!

So, here I am asking for you to accept me into your school, to not only participate, but to impact in a positive way, for the Lord we adore. My name is Jeanette Mayhew and I am looking forward to being a part of your University. Thank you for your time and may the Lord bless you and your family as you serve Him in the wholeness in which He has called you.

Thank you!

So ... that is it. My life in a quick nutshell, with some vague areas, for all the world to see. I'm excited to have it out and on paper focused and edited properly (by 2 dear friends Courtney and JuJu also known as JLo. Thank you both for helping me to tidy it up :o) ). So I'll keep  y'all up-to date on the next part of this journey or if another turn is taken. :o) 

"I've got... got the victory. I've got the sweet sweet victory of Jesus..."

The storm clouds engulf the ever steadfast presence of my soul.
There is calm in the midst
Peace be stills the over whelming angst that is destined to over take me
"Oh ye of little faith"
So I stand ... In the rain.... regardless of the pain.
Because of the pain there will be beauty.

The promises are from the One on which I stand.
My foundation firm and solid.
To Know him is to Believe him
To Believe him is to Understand that he is He.
The know is Intimate and not to be underestimated.
Passionate and Satisfying is He.
He will bring beauty from pain...
"And we know that in all things God works for the the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."--Romans 8:28

So into this storm I shall STAND
STAND in the Pain
For I have the Victory

And his name is Christ Jesus! :o)

The Lord is the everlasting God,

the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He will not grow tired or weary,

and his understanding no one can fathom.

He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall,

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint. --Isaiah 40:28b-31

The Eyes of a Girl .... last entry from (5-19-03)

*Part 3:

See, she never felt without foundation when she would move. Her worth, value, and stability rested in a higher source. Her mother, she was certain, was created and sent as her guardian angel.

She knew that she was never alone. She also had a best friend. Not like most children's best friends. This friend was not invisible or outside the home, but her little sister.

So, it was her sister, her mother, and herself. All who had more love and understanding of those around them then they ever had in money. With that, she was content. Her peace was evident in her manner and her pose, but mostly found in her eyes.

"The eyes are the windows through which anyone can see the soul, if they truly took the time to look," her mother would tell her. She always looked. It fascinated and, at times, saddened her depending on what she saw. Yet, she would continue to look. The longing in her soul always made her look on... deeper.

Now, as she sat in the bay window, she could see what might be around the bend. Excitement built in her and also a sense of nervousness, each in equal parts. This would be a great chapter. Her eyes confirmed it.

** so this is it. The Eyes of a Girl .... this is where I ended and stopped by writers block. I'm okay with it as a short story. I tend to get these bursts and then have no where else to go with it. I hope you have enjoyed it. Your input is welcomed ( with in reason of course...LOL ;) ).

The Sweet Embrace that heals the pain....

Have you ever heard a heart break into a million pieces? I did. It was mine. There was a burst of a wale then a snow shower of glazed clay pieces. My hand reached for the phone... dial the first number. No answer. Dial the second number... again no answer. Concede to the One, sitting by my side, that should the next call have no answer I would sit and "fit" it out with him. Dial... ringing.... ringing... a voice of sound comfort answers with joy to hear my voice on the other side. "I'm glad you answered I need to talk. But let me give you a preface of what has been going on..."

Then the updates take place with rabbit trails to the current situation at hand. Sound mind is taking over the emotion boiling at the surface wanting so desperately to reveal itself. Then it comes ... TRUTH, REMINDER, Compassion. There is no protective cap ... the emotions over flow and the tears begin to come.

The most amazing thing happened after that moment. I could feel the One slowly and gingerly picking up the pieces around me as I sat and listened and talked with the one he delivered to answer my call. Peace begins to take place of the anger. Remembrance takes place of the anxiety. Comfort strips the fear away.

Then the embrace. Arms wrapped snugly around me as if they were actually there. They were His. The One that drew me close last Sunday. The One that waits patiently for me. The One who has been there with arms wide open desiring me to draw near. I began to share the details of my "dance" last Sunday to "Draw Me Close to You". The intimacy and the "freedom" found that time and life had forgotten. I remembered. I remembered the promises. I remembered the covenant made with me and the peace it poured into my soul.

He had picked up each and every piece. Each piece was brought back together where he mending them. No crack was over looked. As I sat in conversation with my friend, one in which he provided, He worked. Gently and intricately, He handled and reconnected each piece. Then he begin to pour into the once broken vessel. It began to overflow ....

What Grace! Peace.... confirmation...

I am His. He cares deeply for me. He longs for my heart to receive all He has to offer. I humbly bow my head and receive. Thank you Lord!

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.--2 Cor 4:1618

The Eyes of a Girl ...(5-19-2003)

*Part 1:

A child sits in the bay window looking out at the surrounding neighborhood. She watches the leaves fall gingerly to the ground in a beautiful array of colors. She thinks,"A new home." She isn't cheerless. She's content.

She knows that a new home means a new beginning. It's a new way to renovate her past. Not that she had much of one, but just a chance to better herself and her character... a new chapter, so to speak.

She loved to read and thought that to be quite an amusing parallel with life. It just fit so perfectly. A new "chapter" in her personalized "book".



**picture by Lyne's Lense from flickr.

Sitting in my Abba's Chair

I sat at the Lord's feet today
Enjoying my daily bread
And as I feasted generously
This is what He said:



"My Child, My beloved, your care is mine
There is no fear,anxiety or no need to hide.

I've treasured our moments,
this time with you and I.
Please do not forget,
You need this quiet time.

You lose yourself in the people
yet your heart I know is mine.
So while we sit
nourishing a bit
I'ld like you to hear the heart of Mine.
Tuck into your sweet memory
the freedom and rest you have now.
You are not ment to carry
such heavy burdens alone
and "fix the world".
That is my job dear one.
My plans intwined, detailed, and not clearly understood.

So as you are nurished
being rebuilt in your heart and soul,
Remember what these moments are like
so you do not go out Alone.

This is my plan for you everyday
To sit with me and sup'.
Then WE will strike out together
Reaching the world in Love.

Your Security, Strength and Value
will not lose it's way.
For the One who has sanctified you
Will remind you each moment of your day.

So remember, My dear, how this feels
How truly effortless it is
To sit right here in your Creator's lap
Recieving all I have to give.
I love you."

So in the moments
when life becomes
simply to much to bare
Ask yourself
"Have I eaten to day?
Have I rested in my Abba's chair?"

He is there with you in each new step,
for Him they are old.
For He is now and will forever be
The beginning and end, the one who Created your Soul.

You are Loved.--- 11/04/08 jeanette mayhew

**************************************************
This poem came bubbling out of my heart as a bubbling brook created as the clean winter melts from the mountain tops.

(picture "Chair under tree" by emile on flickr)