Moments of Brilliance and Unexpected Excellence

Have you ever had this insatiable need to write and then overwhelmed with the "where do I begin" or "which direction should I go" questions added to the million and one words that are just bursting to be put upon a page??? well that is exactly how I feel right now!! I just couldn't get home fast enough... buy my groceries and get situated at home soon enough... and then of course settled into position for "writing stance" easy enough just to begin getting the thoughts on a page. 

Tonight was filled with sensational brilliance of immense emotion, intense empathy/sympathy, overwhelming desire to sing until my vocal chords wept, and just jump into the biggest puddle and spin like a little girl exuberance .... not to mention drop down face first in humility and pain. WHAT A NIGHT!! I don't even know how to describe it or explain it.... but maybe I'm not supposed to explain.... maybe I'm supposed to just revel in the exceptional fluid moments that cumulate to make a night. No... no... I am not supposed to stop there... I need to share. 

Have you ever felt the pain of another person so deep it is as if it your own? Have you ever seen the halo of someone so brightly that is illuminates like the noon day sun at midnight even though they are outwardly completely broken? Have you ever felt love so big that it is as if your heart will break every bone containing it and just rip right through your skin? That is exactly .... EXACTLY what tonight was for me. I am not exaggerating... or fishing a tale (or telling a fish tale..lol). That is to the detail what my night was like. Now add to that the way your brain feels when you just sat at the foot of the most amazing teacher you have ever known... filled with so much that it hurts but beckons, actually BEGS for more. Yep, now you know what my night was like. Even now.. even now I am just bathing in the awesomeness of it all and even reminded the way my day was as well. I'm telling you... not one ounce of today was lost or with out exact perfect purpose. WOWZA!!!! NO MORE STATUS QUO is absolutely RIGHT!! :)

Oh... that's right I didn't tell you what I was doing. :) I've given you the When and How but not the Where, What, or Who-s. I told you this may be an adventure in it and of itself. :) Today ... Lunch with a dear friend... then Work with new and dear friends... then Bible study with amazing women of raw authentic wonderfulness. The one that stole the show? The awe inspiring Lover of our Souls!!! It was radtastically delicious!!! The conversations today and tonight were so .... REAL!!!! Raw rugged broken exuberant joyful beautifully tragic and inspiring. I can't seem to find enough descriptive words. 

To seriously lay down my life today for complete surrender to whatever He had planned and His purpose produced such a night that I just can't figure how I'm going to rest. :) I know that this may be just going out into the suspending void we call the Internet with only me and God reading this... but even that would be a perfect time placed purpose. :) However, if you do read this perchance, I pray that you are encourage and you "catch the joy" that is just oozing like sweet honey out of my soul on to this page. :) Be encouraged my friends.... a new day is just around the corner. He has already walked it for you ... just be BRAVE. :) ((of course I am open to questions too. :) I know that I left out stuff too. :) so many words and all moving so fast :) ))

Intentional Purpose

Fall has begun. The warmth of the sun still kissing my brow as the sky tucks it in behind the full foliage mountainside. The smell of chili blankets the house in sweet spicy comfort. Peace stills my soul yet a since of urgency fills my heart. White Hot deep Passion within stirs my soul.

Tears rolling and falling as a waterfall trickling down a mountainside into a lagoon. My overwhelmed with the brokenness through out the land. The numbers rolling through my mind…. 200,000 plus children soldiers in Africa, little girls given away/ sold into prostitution, human trafficking across the world… and for what? Power? Sick desires? Greed? if it breaks my heart I can only imagine the pain it causes the One who created us in his own image.

Free Will…. a very interesting thing. The freedom to choose … and this is what we as a society choose? We can’t possibly be so desensitized that we don’t feel the cries and pulse of broken souls. I know that I cannot repair the brokenness but I do feel that I can fall to my knees at the cross of hope and promise. “In this world you WILL have trouble, but take heart for I have over come the world.”- Jesus Christ (John 16:33) This is not “boo hoo, my privileged life is so hard. Well I’ll just perk up because it’s all good in the end” … NO… this is “In this world you WILL HAVE (not might or maybe) KNOCK DOWN DRAG OUT MMA FIGHT kind of trouble. But I have someone who has SUFFERED EXTREME TORTURE, HEARS AND FEELS ALL THE CRIES AND PAIN, and humiliation then hung on a cross and cried out IT IS FINISHED...at the end of this life ALL THE SUFFERING WILL BE GONE and HE HEARS and SEES it ALL right now and is providing… SO COME TO HIM.”

We need to be active where we can with Intentional Purpose and RISK … Pray with authenticity and CONVICTION. BRING LIGHT TO THE DARKNESS and don’t let the moments pass! Though I may no longer be an idealizing child or passionate teen … I still believe that ONE person can make a difference. STOP letting the whispers of false contentment fleece the truth... this world is broken and hurting… and so is the person next to you, even the person that hurts you.

SO now what? I guess that is the question we should start asking… where do I risk? Am I compassionate? Am I listening?? Am I loving??

Saying Goodbye....while Standing

"be still"

if I could tell you all the things my heart longs to say

if I could show you the tears wailed in anger and pain

if you could feel my love that has carved a deep abyss

that love that i have carried for you even in my times of sin

then you may know that all I say is true

that the years we've had are not to be cast aside

as if imagination was all we lived through

I am still here

Existing and living it out

I am still flawed

isn't that what grace is all about 

we committed for better or for worst 

when the worst ripped through our love seemed to burst

shattered into a million pieces 

neither of us knew how to fix

doing as we always had & caused you to grow bitterness

the hardening you feel I have once felt too

but there is a difference between me and you

I can't imagine my life without your smile or eyes

even though we've fought and cried

I can't imagine your body not next to mine

though we both have damaged that holy place that binds

I can't imagine not sharing in life

where once we dreamed in innocent bliss devine

my heart was softened with a tremendous blow

I couldn't deny the depth of my love for you (though you may never know)

but your heart is hurt and angered so 

your path you've chosen 

and that is to go

you've begun a new life with someone new

and slowly trying to erase my existence with you

an innocent is about to enter this mess

all I can do is ache knowing that there is more to you then this

if we could just sit and talk and deal with the loss

look back and see the beauty along with the costs

it wasn't all bad or decay

it wasn't all tears or pain

there was lots of silly laughter 

playful twists and turns

growing up and learning 

sometimes listening without a word

moments when I would take your breath 

and you would take mine

moment when it seemed we had stopped time

hugs that seemed to encompass

where two into one would disappear

kisses that sent me back to the very first year

why can't we turn back the hands of time

go to the beginnings where our hands nervously intertwined 

remembering and seeing who we really are

embracing with grace all of the scars

wounds do heal and grow deep strength

that is how love survives the angst

it thrives through the depths of the deepest pain

because it remembers where the beginnings remain

lets go back and pick up the shattered pieces left behind

the mosaic created would stand the test of time

happiness will come and go 

but love's joy will overflow

you have to remember the beginnings to move safely ahead

or you will get lost in the forest of "what if's" and dread

noone can heal those broken areas within 

except the one who was there when it happened

nothing human is good in this world 

they will always fall short that's why we have Him and His word

I wish you would reset the hands of time

I would do it all again and that I can't deny

It wouldn't be the same but better than before

if we could just try walking through that door

regardless of what you choose 

my heart will carry deep eternal love

but for now I say good bye 

and trust the One above

((not an easy choice... but learning one breath at a time... trusting His leading and not mine))

free to be all of me....

Have you ever had your heart hurt so much that you wish it would be removed from your chest

Have you ever had your stomach ache so much that it felt like you've been punched by a fist

Those moments in time where you know in the core of you " seriously, I'm finished" and you can't take another step

You know the truth and have seen the path of those before 

But you are tired and scream "I"M SO TIRED!!!!! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE"

The places where the storm of tears just won't stop falling

Those moments of treacherous whispers constantly clawing at your soul and leaving shredded pieces behind

Telling you "your a fraud" or "this is your fault and this is why..."

"You really think you count that much or make a difference.... please, you were the very first mistress"

The place where you literally see (still) the shattered pieces (and in this moment) nothing more

In your humanity you are seeing the heart breaks you've caused and the tatters you tore out of other people's souls

You wale in the darkness of night 

Screaming your angst and plight

"I'm retched and a mess .... there is no good at this core"

"Please just take me home I don't want to do this anymore"

Feeling conflicted by your deep rooted smiles shining just days before

" Am I truly being real" you ask your broken soul

" Am I causing more harm than I did before"

The moment in which you have finally let the quiet around you allow you to FEEL the hidden recesses of your heart

Shame and guilt rise up in a furry

Filtering all of your current things through the filter of yesterdays

The raging winds of the storm surrounding you feel like they are closing in

.

..

...

.....

a gentle word touch your pounding ears

"fear not ... for I am with you"

"it's okay ... let me have it i can take it"

"ask your questions... you'll find"

"bang your fists... I'll open that door of mine"

"You will not be swallowed up or touched by the flames"

"yes..it's true YOU can't do it but I CAN

for what is impossible of man is POSSIBLE for ME"

"it's good you see the broken... I can now show you the mosaic that is to be"

"it's in these moments you will really experience and see my grace for thee"

"you are not your own... I have called you by name"

"what do you know of me?

Do you know I experience every ounce of your suffering

I catch every tear that falls from you tender cheek

I know the hurt waging from core of your feet to your head you see

I know you and every hair on your head

I have you.... go ahead let it out

I'm coming in.."

"WHO I AM I ALWAYS WILL BEYou, however, I change within & through the tragedies" 

"your sins have been forgiven and no more do I see

you are healed my darling woman... let your faith speak and set you free"

"I am yours, you are mine"

"let that little light shine"

"Do you know how bright light shines in encompassing darkness 

I will keep that oil filled as you display your brokenness"

"I have not left you 

I will NEVER LEAVE

You are in future's history"

"Your name is cut deep within my hands"

"I am the ONE who will help you stand"

"so rise up dear one ... take your bed and walk"

"You and I have a journey to the Lost"

....

...

..

.

So here I am for all to see

Broken and torn in my tragedies

But I am NOT defeated 

Nor am I perfect in the least

I just know the ONE who strengthens me.

So if you should see me 

And my smile is set blaze

Know that it is HIm 

Who lives inside of me.

I am not here to be a martyr

Or a perfect example of what should be

I'm just walking out my future's History.

HE LOVES YOU AS MUCH AS ME!!!!!

** addendum: It is in one of the most vulnerable places that I share these words this morning... my face laying upon His feet that have been flooded by my tears... I know in the depths of my soul He is with me and He is sovereign... and there are those times that I have allowed the lies of the enemy infiltrate and tell me that if I show my tears then the message I am sending is "I don't believe... I have no hope...I am giving up." The truth is ... I am pressing in deeper: I into Him and Him into me. 5he Lord just made it clear I need to Trust HIM when he says "Let down your guard so they can see... what's inside of you is me." So than each of you who read this and allow me to share my very vulnerable adventure... one step at a time. Love to you all!

Upon Hearing Heartbreaking news in regards to the Love of my Life...

In this life my dreams may crumble and my heart may be in pieces... but it is He who is the Restorer of ruins and Creator of the sunsets that takes the shattered pieces. He picks them one by one and places them in the most amazing Mosaic art piece that has ever been envisioned. So much better than what I would design myself. :o) No matter WHAT crumbles into splinters of glass.... He displays the beauty. :o) 

So I walk... alone in intimate companionship with the Lover of my soul and TRUST!! He knows better than I and He is still the God of Abraham!! :o)

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 23

On a journey that many would grow faint. Hand-n-hand in His Grace. Without it there would be no peace or sweet release of all that one carries on such a retreat. I haven't lost sight or changed my mind. I stand firm in what will take time. Not wavering; allowing Him to rebuild and restore what has been "lost".On go I in this grand adventure of mine. Joy (in the storm) in this moment and time.

 

Pic by shchukin ... thank you!

Preface for My Journey on the Adventure of My Life

The journey we walk in life, constantly fighting to find the light in the midst of darkness, does one of two things: strengthen us in our complete weakness or break us in lack of faith. Both come at the brink of death. I have learned that with "death" there is opportunity for resurrection when we let go and let God do his perfect will. It will be accomplished inspite of us and our "freewill" ... our "freewill" just lays the path for how we get there.

The "death" of a relationship isn't because of the lack of happiness, it is the lack of endurance and the "need" for the other person to provide such happiness. If we rely on others or self to provide happiness, completeness, fulfillment, encouragement we will forever ride the manic bipolar roller-coaster that has no conductor at the helm. The adventure is THROUGH the valleys which allows us to appreciate the beautiful mountainside.

I have found, on my adventure, that my hope and mere optimism is NOT my own; for I am not my own. I have been removing the leach of self-reliance from it's grip and found that it has kept me from true authenticity and completeness. Amazing how something that shows itself as "beneficial" really has caused me to miss some major points of understanding and illuminated the amount of distrust I truly have. There is a stripping of all that I thought I knew and was. The layers confined and disguised me from what I am truly meant to be.

The journey of such and adventure is painful for any traveler. The endurance it takes and pride that is literally knocked out of you takes it's toll. The only way to not only Survive but THRIVE is to follow an adventure guide. Someone who has been there before you and is perfect in the skills and translations. Notice that I said PERFECT. There is NO ONE perfect human... except the Son of Man who is the living WORD. Who was and is and is to come. See... my hope is not my own. It is found in the One who IS Hope.

The adventure is never to be easy or without pain. So to ask "why do bad things happen to good people?" is to really ask "why do good people have the same hurts and trials as the rest of us?" (John 16:33) There absolutely are no favorites on the journey. Each one has their path to walk. The authentic character of a person rises to the surface during the raging floods. You truly see who you are at the core of yourself when you endure and go through the tragic canyons of life. You find there is much to the "good person" that is either strengthened & amplified or needs to be purged out & stripped away. (Rom.8:28)

See there is nothing new or unknown by the Adventure Guide. SO no matter what chaos, storm, tar blackness, R.O.U.Ses, quicksand traps, strangling vines.... I could keep going... all of it is under His watchful eyes and with in His control ... in the Palm of His hand. Be encouraged traveler.... You are not alone..... even when you head the wrong direction.

My Journey on the Adventure of My Life... part 18

reminded that the walls fell with a simple shout of faith. For the moment had been prepared before the actual day. He never leaves you stranded or without any hope, but puts you on the path that will lead closer than before. So there is no actual sadness for my Hope lies in my Adventure Guide, who leads me by still waters and never leaves my side. :o) The adventure still charges on, for the journey has just begun.

Pic by Szeke ... thank you so much!

My journey on the Adventure of my life... Part 10

so amazingly blessed in this day! I have rejoiced in it ... battered and bruised we came upon a open clearing with ancient ruins rising out of it. Vines of destruction over powered every structure, yet the essence of what once was still stood. In the center a alter. It was magnificent in size and solid stone. Then I was reminded of Abraham and Isaac. I knelt down and cried... remembering the Hope, Faith, Sacrifice.


Pic by Benjamin Fitzgerald... fantastic work. :o)

Believe...

Awaiting in space and time
With everything around without rhyme

Just standing in the blackness and smoke
Remembering Faith is not seeing but stands in Hope

Hope and promises of things unseen
Believing in Him and walking free

Free of fears and what is known
Free of bondage which once did tightly hold

"They say many things.."
However "they" go on what they see
Yet I choose to stand firm on thee

All is not lost just because it looks dead
For in the winter the life is restoring in grounds bed

We know that spring will come
Though we don't see it..life soon will be sprung
From the hard, cold, broken ground
After time and His hand has strengthened roots all around

Even in the quiet pain
Here I am standing in faith

Stand in the rain
Of hardship and change

Going beyond what you see
For in the winter roots are set free
To grow stronger and deeper
By the hand of the Creator

And when Life springs forth
You'll know that your Faith helped you stand the coarse.

He does not lie
He is Faithful in deed
He is the Master of all
He is HE

So here I stand
Beyond what I see
Standing in Faith
Believing in HE.

Restoring Me (March 15, 2009)

Restored, renewed, reminded what's true!

What no man can see or fathom, God can absolutely do!
Know Who has complete control
Stands in fullness with strength untold.

Time is not a bondage
Faith is belief in action
Not to what is seen or heard
But upon the One who gave it for the undeserved.

The darkness come and waves mount high
My eyes are lifted to the Creator of the tide.
We dance upon the beach without fear
As he draws and holds me near.

I am His desire
And forever He is mine.
He knows the inner workings of me
Before I was even in the womb to be seen.

He created every detail, personality, gifts, limits ... all
He knew and knows when I will walk tall or fall
Yet still He longingly waits to pour out His grace
And draw me into His saving embrace.

So I'll not cry because what I have lost
Though some tears may come, it shows my heart is still soft.
And soft is exactly what one's heart should me
To be molded more like Him and less of me.

Continue restoring me, oh Lord,
One layer at a time.
I love you everyday even more.

Triumph in the darkness

Triumph in the midst of these

Every breath to eternity 

Will sing His praise regardless of what's seen

For my eyes are placed upon the Unseen.

I've got the victory

For He has set me free

Though I walk through the fiery furnace

No more tethers binding me.

Trusting Him 

Loving Him

Seeking Him

Remain in Him

for there is my Fortress 

Which will long withstand

The trials cast by the enemies hand.

He allows them for greater purpose unseen

Drawing me ever deeper into Him and not of me.

I am NOT alone

Heartbreaking 

Soul aching

Loud shattering crack

every essence 

of all with in

has felt as if it was never coming back

none of it is meant to be

handled on my own

life is not such a simple task 

where you walk the path alone.

it's in the hands of the the One who knows

through his humiliation, thrashings, and scars

all the pain, sorrows, and unknowns

for he knows our every part

from beginning to end

he knows no bounds

to stop him or contain

so i release it all 

my love, tears, and pain 

for him to restore, redeem, and renew again

my everlasting saving grace.

though the storm keeps crashing down 

as i lose all that I have held so dear

he will take good care that I do not drown

for he can see things more clear

no doubts consume the broken halls

no trial do i run from him again

i've done that once and had my fall

never do i desire that same abyss 

so hope and longing 

are hung like stars

with unconditional love the sky

for he created all of it

and hears my every cry

so i cry....broken at his feet

huddled in his arms of grace and mercy

i am not alone.

In the Moment

Well... here's an update on what is happening in the crazy wild waves of this young woman's life. I'll lay it out in a nut shell... the 411 for those that care and short and sweet for those who don't really. :o) 

* Accepted to GFU!!! (let's just say: MIRACLE)

* Releasing the last piece of half of the tapestry to the Weaver... feeling frayed but peace. (MIRACLE 2)

* Living... not just surviving but thriving! (MIRACLE 3)

.... and now considering putting out into the public hands a compilation of written work: "Shattered Beautiful Pieces" ( cover: white... pottery pot broken in pieces in the hands of a potter... back of the book cover: white ... all the pieces made whole ... royal purple in the potters hands.)

All this to say>> Miracles occur every moment of every day. We will see them, taste them, hear them and feel them when we stop long enough to pay attention. I hesitate to say "be in the moment" because of the sad state of affairs the society hears that phrase... whatever... Be In the Moment..FEEL... LISTEN... TASTE... TOUCH... SMELL... experience that fullness of the moment no matter what it is because there is purpose. 

I am not saying this from a place of comfort ability. I am coming from a place of grief. In the depths of the darkness and pain let it run it's course and experience all of the moments. You may just be surprise by how Beautiful and Bright the light is on the other side. In the arms of the One who created me I wail, heave, and scream in to the darkness... and He.... well .... He holds me and cries with me never to leave me alone in this suffering. 

Some ask how in this world and in this time can you see an all Loving God? I answer "With in every tear drop, sent of a newly opened bud, the sweet smile of a child, the places of death I could have gone and yet did not, in the taste of a meal made and shared with love... we just have to take the time to Be In the Moment." 

May anyone who reads this, or anything that I write here, be encouraged and know that you are not alone. 

Heart of Openness (March 21, 2009)

Open heart,
mind,
and soul.
All is Yours the I may be whole
(and not mine)

Not pieces,
all broken
mourning for all
the broken,
weary,
lost....
all those that are closing you off.

May he seek You.
Long for only You.
To draw closer to the Light that is You.

I release it all
within my brokeness
That you may heal
And draw him closer hence.
To Your freedom
Glory be to You.

I am nothing without all of You!
You are my completeness
You are faithful too
All I am is found only in You!

You've granted me mercy
Poured on your grace
All that I may walk fully
to you

My heart is open.